Sympatico-Productions

Sharing Vulnerability (If such a thing is even possible)

2011-03-18T11:18:00.000-07:00

I have recently discovered Brene Brown via a TED talk that she did about vulnerability. Now I am "in love" - but like many others who fall in love, I am also prey to jealously and envy.

On one hand, I want Brene to be my new best friend - I seem to agree with everything that comes out of her mouth. "She gets me". But on the other, somewhat less perfect hand, I wish I WERE Brene. She is saying everything that I have been trying to say for so long..and to a much larger audience. She has a beautifully engaging website, a great Twitter following, lots of Friends on Facebook, two books and high paying speaking engagements.

This feeling of "not good enough" is a familiar block for me. I run into someone that is slightly smarter, more experienced, prettier, richer or otherwise better-er and I get stuck in my own mud. The urge to give up because someone is already doing it better than me is strong.

Yet, isn't this what the whole enchilada is all about? Noticing these blocks and then taking yet one more step forward? Without these challenges, would we ever stretch and grow at all?

I want to share a quote from Brene Brown's website, not because she is necessarily saying it any better, but because she is saying it and it is spot on!

Authenticity is a daily practice

Choosing authenticity means cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and allow ourselves to be vulnerable, exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength and struggle and connected to each other through a loving and resilient human spirit; nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we let go of what we are supposed to be and embrace who we are.

Authenticity demands WHOLEHEARTED living and loving – even when it’s hard, even when we’re wrestling with the shame and fear of not being good enough, and especially when the joy is so intense that we’re afraid to let ourselves feel it.

Mindfully practicing authenticity during our most soul-searching struggles is how we invite GRACE, JOY and GRATITUDE into our lives.
-Brene Brown 2009

Here is the link to her TED Talk as well.
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

Ultimate Dignity

2011-03-17T15:15:00.000-07:00

After the earthquake in New Zealand I was fascinated with the degree of collaboration that citizens exhibited there. The resourcefulness, generosity and deep caring showed up in hundreds of ways – from setting up free kitchens in undamaged homes to organizing donation options from local schools. Since I often teach the importance of the mindset of the “we”, I was fascinated with any culture that is living that priority, even through unbelievable distress.

Like many others, I have been astounded by the calm dignity and restraint of the Japanese people in the face of what looks like Armageddon. Most of the time, I find myself ferverently hoping that we can all learn from such deep respectfulness.

American newscasters are asking the ridiculous question of “How does this make you feel?” Our media is addicted to the idea that the story is the emotion. I think the more important story might be “HOW do you access the dignity and resourcefulness that you ARE living, in spite of the fact that your world has basically disappeared?”

I have been fascinated by tsunamis since I was a child, so I am as glued to the TV as anyone else and appreciate that we now have lots of footage of actual tsunamis and the power of nature. Like everyone else, I long for logistical solutions to the suffering of these people. Yet, I think the most fascinating unfolding is watching a unique culture in its process toward healing.

Money As Your Valentine

2011-02-13T12:00:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine’s Day to you all! This year I encourage you to use the holiday to think outside of your normal parameters, to stretch your consciousness a bit.

Have you ever celebrated Valentine’s Day with your Sweetheart? Or at least imagined sharing that perfect, romantic day of deep connection? Of course. Most of us have done this at some time along the way – even if it was during the 3rd grade Valentine’s card exchange.

Have you ever focused on celebrating the day with your own sweet heart? You know, the heart beating in your own chest? Lot’s of people encourage us to find ways to nurture ourselves on this Hallmark holiday designed for couples and capitalism.

But I am going to suggest something altogether different. FALL IN LOVE AND CELEBRATE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH MONEY – AS IF MONEY WERE A HUMAN BEING.

Ask yourself what are the qualities in a relationship that you value most? Then explore your relationship with money with these qualities in mind. Do YOU treat the money in your life as if you totally adore, respect and trust it? Do YOU treat the money in your life the way that you would like to be treated?

Unless you have been taking our 6 week series, Currency of Connection, I doubt that most of you have ever conceived of celebrating and adoring your relationship with money. It sounds like a bizarre or even possibly immoral idea. But, I am not suggesting that you WORSHIP money any more than I am suggesting that it is healthy to worship your partner in any human relationship. Instead, I am inviting you to play around with the question of how are YOU showing up in this particular relationship? Have you been placing the blame for your money issues on your partner? How do YOU treat the money in your relationship?

What if you use this holiday to open up to a new relationship - you and the money in your life? What if you choose to make that relationship healthy, respectful, mutually fulfilling, creative, generative and powerful? What would THAT look like?

May you and your Valentine have a special connection this Valentine’s Day!

The Humming Sound of Being

2011-01-24T08:59:00.000-08:00

I have recently become more and more involved with Global Sufficiency Network and keep finding new and exciting resources through them. I loved this poem from Soltermann. It seems that I am always challenging myself between Being and Doing, but I love this description of Being.

BE

E. Johannes Soltermann

“Tired and Happy”,
I used to answer
when asked, “How in the
world are you?”

Yes, tired I am.
having worked all day,
all week,
all year,
all life.

Gakko –
this word pops to mind.
It supposedly means
“World of Being.”

Have you ever experienced
the rain while the sun
shines?
Watched the bright crystals
drop fresh from the sky?
spilling all over the deep-
green plantain-leaves,
washing away every dust,
every doubt?

Being –
what a humming sound.
It transcends all the
hardships
that humans resist.

Go into the mindframe
of Being Here.
All crutches
will fall by the wayside.

Once we have chosen
to love ourselves –
what else
is there ever discovered?

Gakko.
The living is now.
Breathe.
Love.
Be.

No More Carrots and Sticks

2010-07-05T13:05:00.000-07:00

For those of you who enjoyed Daniel Pink’s book, A Whole New Mind, I want to enthusiastically recommend his newest book, Drive, The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us.

I’m guessing that it won’t really be too surprising” for many of you to learn that it is the intrinsic value of an activity itself that actually motivates us to high levels of productivity, creativity and accomplishment. Contrary to popular opinion, it is NOT the promise of money and benefits or the threat of punishment that gets us moving.

Unfortunately, most companies still operate on the carrot and the stick principle to raise productivity and profits. But Pink says that this action actually shuts down our internal drive over time, especially in fields where creativity and original thought are needed.

“Human beings have an innate inner drive to be autonomous, self-determined and connected to one another,” he says. The most successful people are the ones who are self-directed and devoted to becoming better and better at something that matters. In other words, the highest levels of success and satisfaction come with connecting the quest for excellence to a larger purpose, a purpose that is bigger than ourselves and designed for the well-being of all.

Perfect Time and Place for Perfect Person

2010-04-27T12:15:00.000-07:00

Sympatico Coaching and The Currency of Connection are looking for an assistant to help launch the new curriculum and book into the stratosphere. This will be a low key, but high importance addition to an existing team. We are looking for an energetic, tech savvy, fun person to share this journey with. This is a great opportunity for someone interested in evolving their relationship with money (you will be a guinea pig) while earning a bit of the green stuff.

Skills Needed Include:
• High comfort level with technical issues – audio-visual, social media, html, some Photoshop, setting up teleclasses, recording teleclasses, posting videos on website, comfort with Wordpress.
• Standard assistant tasks such as writing reports, keeping a calendar, making travel arrangements, filing, responding to emails, and making phone calls.
• Some networking and possibly some writing.
• Quickbooks familiarity a real plus.
• Curiosity about life!

This will be a very involved team so candidate needs to be willing to be fully engaged in work that has the potential to create extraordinary results. Candidate also needs to be very organized, efficient and have a can-do attitude. We will be creating a variety of workshops and teleclasses, booking speaking engagements, managing a website and blog, posting a regular e-newsletter and generally creating an awareness of Nogie’s upcoming book, The Currency of Connection, Evolving Your Relationship With Money.

Please contact me at Nogie@austin.rr.com for more info.

No Such Thing as Arrival

2010-04-05T14:46:00.000-07:00

Catastrophes do not always come in big packages like the earthquake in Haiti or the tsunami is Indonesia. My friend and neighbor experienced her own catastrophe this weekend. Hers came inside the small package of one family, but it packed just as much punch for them as Katrina did for New Orleans. And her catastrophe sent me into that field of deep inquiry as to “what the heck is happening here?”

Mary had finally found her fairy tale dream come true. After cleaning her life up after a somewhat messy and expensive divorce, she decided to try an online dating site and just as she was about to give up, she met a wonderful, kind man named Robert. It turned out that they were a perfect fit. Mary would soon be able to stop working since Robert was very well off and very interested in traveling the world together. They loved the same activities, shared many interests and generally were grateful at their luck in finding one another. After a year of getting to know each other, of letting their grown children adapt to the idea and of testing the waters, Robert proposed and Mary happily accepted. They were set for a summer wedding and looking forward to a blissful life together.

Easter morning, Robert’s heart stopped. Now everyone waits in limbo to see if Robert will wake up and still be Robert. Will the earth return to its proper axis or will it be forever altered?

When life delivers those experiences that feel like the Universe pulling the rug out from under us, faith in severely tested. I think that sometimes people choose to stay in negative life patterns just because they can’t handle the sensation of thinking all is well only to discover that life actually comes with no guarantees. It takes courage to face the possibility of profound disappointment or loss.

My personal challenge is to remember that although it appeared as if Mary had finally arrived in that land of happily ever after, there really is no such thing as an arrival at all. There is only the journey. Only the constantly shifting sands of our perceptions. When I can let go of my disappointment that there really is no train station labeled “Perfection”, then I can begin to relax into the journey itself. And on a good day, I can even open myself up to looking for the information being communicated to me through the journey, whether it is heart-warming or heartbreaking.

Is the train ride more of a challenge today than it was before Sunday? Absolutely. But no one can say what is around the next curve in the track. No one can predict the love or connections that are possible from this catastrophe. Just like natural disasters bring out the best in humans, our own catastrophes can be the source of extraordinary depths of love and light. So today, even with a heavy heart, I lean out of the train window, stretching to see what the next curve in the journey will bring.

Savvy Austin's Reindeer Games!!!

2009-12-02T14:12:00.000-08:00

Here is the detail for Savvy Austin's newest Creative Convergence. Hope I see you there.
It's Time for... Savvy Austin's Reindeer Games!!! In this festive time of year, come join in our hip reindeer games.

Dec. 11, 2009; 7:00 PM - 10:30 PM
Charles Schwab & Co., Suite 200
100 Congress Avenue
Austin, TX.
$30

Instead of the same old work or neighborhood holiday party, come meet new friends, plug into your competitive spirit, and challenge your assumptions with Savvy Austin’s Creative Convergence.

Would you love the chance to be a kid again, to try new things or to
lose track of time? Then enjoy being in the moment and come taste our unique mix of kids games, creative team activities and competitive surprises.

Savvy Austin will provide the space, the spirited activities and the savvy factor. You provide your jolly jive, the friends you want to share, and your own curious nature!

Each month Savvy Austin shares a percentage of our profits with a deserving local non-profit. This month we are happy to donate to Candlelight Ranch. Check them out at http://www.candlelightranch.org.
Charles Schwab & Co is graciously providing their Suite 200 in the 100 Congress Building in the heart of downtown Austin. Parking is also carefree with $5 parking next door at the Ashton (Caesar Chavez between Colorado and Congress).

We’ll provide light snacks and water, you BYOB. We are accepting first-come, first serve reservations! You may sign friends up as well. When we reach our max capacity, we will start taking a wait list.

Please register at http://savvyaustin.com

Wassail and Friends (sort of)

2009-12-02T14:06:00.000-08:00

The holiday season is upon us and as usual it comes with a full plate. Either it is a smorgasbord of too many things to do, places to go and people to see, or for others it is an overwhelming sense of loneliness, a sense of failure or a tendency to dig deeper into that cave of fear and darkness.

No matter where you fit within the range of human emotions that come to the surface this season, remember that part of being human is honoring your human-ness. Being present to what you are feeling right NOW, whether overdrive or paralysis or somewhere in between is the first step toward changing the picture. Remember that you really can create a life that you desire – moment by moment.

I believe that one of the joys of being human is to be able to be ourselves with others. Therefore, I want to share four wonderful upcoming events that provide ways to deeply connect, without feeling lonely OR overwhelmed. If you don’t want to scroll down for the posted details, just check out the links below.

Mark your calendar for:
1. City Sit – Dec. 8th (http://citysit.com)
2. Lights! Action! Attraction! Coaching Workshop – Dec. 10th
(Register or get more info at sympaticocoach@gmail.com.)
3. Savvy Austin’s Reindeer Games – Dec. 11th
(Register and learn more at www.savvyaustin.com.)
4. Wisdom at Work’s “Getting Wisdom to Work” Series beginning in January.
(Look for updates at www.wisdomatworkaustin.org.)

Searching for the Best Mint Julep

2009-11-16T14:28:00.000-08:00

Life is full of paradox. Usually we have no way to align duality until we learn to allow it to BE. One of these major dualities of life has resolved around the topic of man’s spiritual nature vs. his material nature. Most of my life, I have been attempting to choose one over the other. Recently, as I have started actually writing my book on our relationship to money, I have finally begun to understand the value of the interaction of these two facets of human nature.

In ages past, the two were separated. Monasteries were constructed for those who wished to escape the work world and focus on their spiritual pursuits and connect with the infinite within themselves. Every one else simply made the world go around and did their best talking to God through the local holy figure.

But today, things have changed. We have a world in which money permeates every aspect of life, so people have to pay attention to BOTH their spiritual and their materialistic – to their inner journey AT THE SAME TIME as to their householder responsibilities.

I always wanted to be free of the material world and as a flower child of the 70’s that was raised in the culturally narrow-minded world of the Old South, I could have been the poster child for a rebel without a real cause. Yet, I found plenty of important social problems to address and eventually I stepped out of society altogether to voice my disgust with our capitalistic excesses. (I actually lived in a tipi in the 80’s and completely missed a decade of pop culture.) But, deep inside was always lurking little miss Martha Stewart, searching for my mint julep, big verandas and white wicker chairs. I was on a spiritual quest, but still was pulled by the material needs of life. And that took money.

Now as I build my business and coach others to follow their own dreams, I am constantly reminded of how our moments can be full of resistance and frustration, fear and anxiety. I have had many successes and yet this frustration about money seems to resurface every time I blink. For years, I was unhappy that this phenomenon happened. Why could I not solve this damn problem and be done with it? Or why couldn’t I simply escape the world of making money? Why couldn’t people make the world go around without the having to pay bills and focus on boring paperwork?

Well, as it turns out, the resistance itself, the problems and the questions are where the richness lies. These are the issues to study and the access points with which to learn about the truths that one needs to face. Without the challenges we would not be nearly as interesting. Or as spiritual. The finite, materialistic struggles are only the ingredients for the best mint julep to be found.

Puzzle Sorting

2009-11-16T14:24:00.000-08:00

My rather stern Scottish Grandmother ran a tight ship of a home, but my Danish Grandfather provided a few places to color outside of the lines. There were two places at their home that I found shelter – the sand box where I could build worlds of my own design and secondly my grandfather’s version of the Man’s Den, where he kept his pipes and a rich stockpile of jigsaw puzzles.

There must be some inhered gene for solving puzzles, because I still love the feeling of placing all 500 pieces, face-up on the table and sorting the edge pieces from the inner shapes, all the while fitting together little bundles of the picture. Of course, occasionally there is the bonus of a few pieces that are still connected from the factory. Or maybe my cousin simply didn’t put the game away properly.

I don’t limit this “putting the picture together” endeavor to simply children’s games though. Apparently, I apply it to everything that I do, including coaching others as to how to put their very own life’s puzzle together. Perhaps, other brilliant scientists and economists and anthropologists take this same approach when trying to create models of physics and economics and human cultural behavior. But I had to go and choose a field that is mysterious by definition and then take a lifetime trying to make sense of how the heck to live life itself.

Some days I think, “By golly, I’ve got it.” But of course, the next moment proves that ideas are always in need of a tweak. Yet, slowly, I believe that I am finally getting close to having the outline of the edge pieces complete. And guess what? The pieces are transparent and constantly in motion.

Honoring Choice

2009-11-09T09:21:00.000-08:00

It is hard work being a rebel. Leading a life of integrity means following your own guidance. And choosing your own life means fighting a multitude of expectations that surround us on a daily basis.

For instance, if you happen to have a circadian rhythm of naturally staying up late at night and then sleeping late in the day, people think that you are a slacker or make jokes about what you were up to the night before. There is some shame in the choice. You are out of sync with society and therefore made wrong in some way.

Or what about the cultural expectation that it is only ok to be unproductive on the weekends? People have been trained to have free choice only on certain days of the week.

I once lived in Washington State, where it is cloudy and rains a lot. People there dispense guilt in large doses if you don’t spend your time outside on those few nice days of the year, as if you are abusing God’s incredible creation. Clearly most people prefer to enjoy the sunshine, but what if you happen to also enjoy sitting by the open window, reading a book?

Expectations surround us. Some are probably useful in terms of making choices. After all, too many choices can be overwhelming. But what happens when your choices of how to live your own life, moment to moment, do not line up with society’s choices for you? It is no wonder that we struggle so much in learning to honor our own choices.

The reality that our own desires are coming from deep within is part of our truth. If a person really wants to sit inside despite the sunny day outside, then they really want to do that. Every time that we ignore our own preferences, every time we deny our own knowing, we run the risk of creating tension in our consciousness. We are out of integrity with our own system.

Of course, one needs the maturity to discern the difference between purpose driven desires and unhealthy desires, but it seems important to at least begin by acknowledging the desires in the first place. This is the beginning of setting intentions – because until a person can identify and honor the desire itself, one cannot truly FEEL an intention and set it on it’s way to manifestation.

Embracing Resistance

2009-10-26T08:34:00.000-07:00

Having the freedom to sit inside and write on a cold, rainy day like today is about as good as it gets. My little cottage is warm and cozy and the cat and I watch the wind swirl outside. It is almost too easy. So my mind wants to find a challenge.

This week at the Wisdom at Work luncheon we had one of the best speakers ever. Steven Tomlinson, who teaches at Acton School of Business and is an accomplished playwright, spoke to the group about finding our calling in life. One of the things that struck me about his presentation was the inherent challenge in finding that calling.

I believe that I have a good sense of the direction of my calling, even though there are probably infinite possibilities for tweaking the specifics. Yet the challenge of getting lost in the possibilities is a constant thorn in my side. I tend to prefer ideas to action, so I can get caught in the endless loop of colorful ideas without getting anything into reality.

Steven spoke about settling for the accomplishments that we have made and choosing a path of least resistance. Now I appreciate the fact that energy tends to move into the opening, into the area with the least resistance, but I believe this is a more subtle reference to the act of choosing the path that may challenge us to think bigger, to accept more work, to push ourselves to the levels that we know we are capable – even WHEN we encounter our own internal resistance.

It is time to look at that resistance and ask, "What am I afraid to see or hear or be?" Just identifying it releases much of the tension. So rather than avoiding those things that I am resisting, I am now going to examine the resistance with curiosity and be grateful for the opportunity to grow from it.

Fortunately, I do not feel called to go out into the rain and build a garden today. But I will challenge myself to move through my list of tasks and action steps with a renewed sense of blessed determination.

Getting Beyond Inertia

2009-10-12T16:04:00.000-07:00

Often, I sit at my desk to write an article, send an email or simply check out a bunch of interesting websites. Instead of being filled with inspiration and enthusiasm, I feel tired and lazy. It is as if checking out one more website is going to wear me out. These are things that I actually care about, yet I still feel the resistance to action throughout my body.

I have learned that fighting this resistance only brings up more struggles and often will lead to undesirable results and tension in my body. So force doesn’t work. Power is the other choice, but how do I tap that into that part of my consciousness that actually DOES want the results that completion would bring? How do I quiet that noisy left brain long enough for my right brain to get into the game?

Perhaps it is a matter of tapping into the imagination and FEELING the results that I desire, rather than feeling and FEEDING the inertia. For instance, if I write and post my blog on time, more people are likely to read it, sign up as a follower (hint, hint) and hear the message. Having people create value from my work makes me happy. Or if I look at a pile of websites for design details, then my web designer will be able to understand more of what I want. And having a great website will make me very happy.

I know that every time I have a thought that I am creating a reality to go with that thought. So now I have to simply dig a little deeper to the find the thought – and the physical sensation – that will let me get into action and move toward my dreams. Not out of force and a sense of “should”, but from joy and excitement in creating the reality that I want to live.

Martin Brofman Workshop

2009-10-07T08:07:00.000-07:00

Awareness is a funny thing. You do not know that you have been checked out until you are suddenly aware again. I spent five days last week at a healing workshop and can now see how asleep that I have been. It’s not a matter of wanting to be checked out. It’s simply a state of being.

Twenty-five years ago, I attended my first Vipassana meditation retreat. These are meditation intensives in which there is no talking, no eye contact and limited amounts of food. After four days of sitting for nine hours of meditation, I felt a little crazy and had a hard time telling the difference between being asleep in the dream state and being awake in a meditative one. But after ten days, I reached a state of pure love that I simply didn’t realize existed. I was really in love with everyone and everything that I saw.

Of course, I wanted to hold on to that feeling, but unfortunately attachment throws you right out of the love. I never quite repeated that experience in all the subsequent years of retreats and meditation practice. It was always very good stuff and I still practiced, but it was never that incredible state of energetic, spiritual being that I felt after the first retreat.

Until now!

I attended the Martin Brofman healing workshop in Dallas because I felt it would sharpen my coaching. Often, I see where the energy is stuck on a person, but have no idea what that indicates or how to help them move through it or how to clear the tension. Now I feel almost guilty in writing it off as a business expense, because what I got out of the experience was a vibration throughout my body that feels…out of this world.

My physical complaints are gone, but possibly more important is the fact that my spirit feels cleansed – and once again in love with everything and everyone around me. Of course, magically, things are working all around me with great ease and joy. Life is simply an amazing journey.

The Smiling Juggler

2009-09-21T09:18:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I saw a moment of 60 Minutes where a military doctor was talking about the challenge of building new prosthesis for the soldiers who have lost arms and legs in the wars. The interviewer asked him what was the most challenging aspect of inventing robotic arms that worked like a real hand with opposing thumbs and incredible complexity. The soldier answered – ALL OF IT!

That is how I feel about the complexity of living a life to the best of my ability. It is incredibly complex and a multi-level challenge that requires my deepest focused concentration and committed action while at the same time allowing for letting go and relaxing into the flow.

How on earth we even do it as well as we do is a constant wonder. This intricate dance of nourishing our bodies and our psyche, staying in action so that our dreams can become realities, examining our thoughts so that we might be in alignment with those dreams, and interacting with all of those other beings and moving parts is quite the juggling act.

And maybe juggling is just the right metaphor for life. Keeping the balls moving, the eyes loose to take it all in at once, the body relaxed and fluid and the trust engaged that it will all work beautifully are all necessary for the experience to succeed. And the irony is that most jugglers seem to be enjoying the heck out of the practice. So I think I will smile and just throw those balls up there and see what happens next.

Downloading Enough

2009-09-14T08:19:00.000-07:00

As I sat down to write my blog this morning, the computer automatically informed me that there were updates to install. And although my first response was, “Aw crap, now there is a delay in getting this done,” I knew better than to put this one off. The process took all of three minutes and gave me a satisfying DLING! when “success was complete”.

Oh if all of life was as simple as my Mac! I would love a little bell that notified me that the newest download in my own system was actually successfully complete.

This has been a big week for me in terms of new downloads – or in terms of clearly seeing some old ones. As I have made a commitment to my new workshops, a myriad of old junk has come forward, including the old thought of “I am not enough”.

I traced the feeling back at least to my early childhood when I felt like I was not enough for my parents. Both of my parents were alcoholics, so clearly they had their own issues with not being/having enough. But in retrospect, I have no real evidence to think that they thought I was less than perfect. I was simply looking for something from the wrong place. They did not have the resources to provide me with the fulfillment that ultimately had to come from within.

So now begins the real journey of downloading the software called, “I am enough.” This new software is fortunately more powerful than the old systems, which are still in widespread use and can’t seem to read the information or get the message. I am amazed at the constant messages in our culture and in my own thought patterns that keep insisting that I am somehow lacking in the essential qualities that would make me good enough.

For what!??! For whom?!!?

It’s time to know that I am indeed enough. I choose to feel the fulfillment and contentment that comes with knowing that I/you/they are enough. Sure, I want to continue growing and learning and becoming more alive and awake with each breath, but I also know that it is much easier to expand and contribute if I start from a place of appreciation and gratitude. If I am entangled with the striving to be enough, then I cannot appreciate what I already have.

Here is a favorite passage from Lynne Twist’s Soul of Money, “When you let go of trying to get more of what you don’t really need, it frees up oceans of energy to make a difference with what you have. When you make a difference with what you have, it expands.”

DLING! Download complete!

Power of Belief

2009-09-08T13:38:00.000-07:00

This week, I have been mesmerized by the performance of 17 year old Melanie Oudin at the US Open Tennis Championships. This virtual unknown has defeated three of the world’s top ranked players, each time with an incredible come from behind victory. Her tenacity, positive attitude and belief in the possibility of success are inspirations to both my tennis game and to my adventures in the world of work.

Her performance, in all three instances, has been a perfect example of how much our thoughts affect our reality. Her opponents, originally full of optimism when they were winning, clearly shifted into attitudes of self-doubt, resentment and emotional reactivity when they faced adversity. But no matter how far fetched success looked for Melanie, she kept digging for the next move, kept her feet moving and kept her eye on the ball.

Compare that kind of focus and perseverance with your day at work. Do you have that same sureness of the end goal and a dogged determination to get there? Or do you adopt an attitude that work is too hard, that it’s too hot outside or that life is unfair? Are you willing to do the preparation, the footwork and the follow through to reach your goals?

I love sports because the correlations to life are so quickly obvious. A tennis game lasts a few hours, not for a lifetime, yet the lessons are completely available. I know that we were not all born to be superstars, but I wonder how often that it is not the raw talent that is missing, but something more like the spirit of believing.

On the heels of Melanie Oudin’s tennis shoes is printed the word “BELIEVE!”. It is there to remind Melanie to keep putting one foot in front of the other and to keep giving it her best. Yet, it is also there for all of us to see and to ponder. What kind of superstars can we be if we only BELIEVE!? What kind of results can we create if we BELIEVE! enough to do the hard work and to stay the course even in times of adversity?

New Workshop

2009-07-30T14:46:00.000-07:00

For over a year, my blog has been a great platform for my exploration of living wisdom and for sharing those insights with others. It has been a long time since I got off my ^&$*&$$# and taught this material in a workshop format. But that time is now here.

A longtime friend recently suggested that the world of coaches, trainers and consultants needed to learn HOW to read energy. These subtle energy fields are the stuff of our being, yet very few are skilled in reading and interpreting them. Most of us operate from a place of emotional reactivity rather than from thoughtful response-ability.

I have decided to start offering this work in real time. I have scheduled the first, Lights! Action! Attraction! Coaching Workshop for August. This is only the first step of a very exciting launch of getting this work out to the world while exploring the globe, relaxing on my porch and building an incredible network of energetic hotels in exotic locations.

Energy Management

2009-07-30T14:33:00.000-07:00

Energy is an interesting commodity. And no, I do not mean the kind of energy that sells for $50 per barrel. I am referring to the internal energy that resides inside us. Just like the tides, it ebbs and flows, but unlike the tides, it does seem to respond to human attention.

Consider the concept of “allowing” for instance. Have you ever noticed that once you acknowledge that your energy levels are low and allow this state of low energy to just “be” – that it magically rises again? But if on the other hand, you resist and fight the fact that you are experiencing low energy, then you will undoubtedly continue to experience tiredness.

Energy also appears to be mutable. The power of a positive thought isn’t just for others; it also has significant internal possibilities. Watch what happens to your energy level when you think about anything that you are passionate about. Or notice the difference in your noisy, busy energy when you come into a WAW luncheon and join us in a centering exercise in which you quietly get present to your breath and body and to those around you.

Recently, I was in overwhelm when I remembered Timothy Ferris’ advice in the 4-Day Work Week. He recommended committing only to one or two mission critical events per DAY and only working a few days per WEEK! When I switched my attention from the feeling of overwhelm to the more reasonable concept of one task, I suddenly had plenty of energy to complete everything that mattered. And more importantly, I was feeling accomplished, successful and just plain happy.

We may not have any control over the ocean tides, or the attitude that our team brings to work, but we do have the mechanisms to shift our own energy and to create more positive results. Now the trick is just remembering that we have access to all of these skills.

Simple Wisdom

2009-04-21T06:44:00.000-07:00

It is all really very simple.

Stay in the present. Focus on the good stuff and stop fighting with the bad stuff. Accept the moment for what it is.

So simple and so ridiculously difficult to remember.

But for today it will be my mantra. Perhaps I can stay present for at least a few moments and receive life with open arms instead of a list of conditions.

Easter Deer

2009-04-13T08:55:00.000-07:00

Easter has always been a holiday of gentleness in my family, rather than the incredibly powerful message of a man rising from the dead. It was a sweet, sunny morning of gathering pastel colored eggs and smelling the fresh jonquils of spring. My father was rarely drunk on Easter for some reason and it was the one holiday of the year that we were a family.

This year, I woke up and groggily shuffled to the windows to open the shutters and watch the sun coming through after a soaking rain. As I sat on my bed, trying to get my eyes to function properly, I looked up, into the eyes of a rather large deer – looking through my window AT ME!

She was quite beautiful, but mostly because of the ease with which she was meandering through her day. I doubt that she found any colorful eggs in our neighborhood, but she was finding tasty morsels of fresh new buds from my rose bushes.

Since I am a big believer in signs from the Universe – especially on this big holiday – I decided to look up deer in my dictionary of signs and symbols. Deer represent the idea of NOT being a victim. Of taking back your own destiny. Yet doing it with gentleness and trust.

Since my angel card for the YEAR was all about approaching life with gentleness, this certainly seemed like a vivid reminder of the message. So even though I wasn’t able to find a single hidden egg this year, I received a treasure worth far more. A reminder of the gentleness with which I can approach my own life of rose bushes – thorns and all!

Natural Imperfection

2009-04-09T08:54:00.000-07:00

Does perfection exist in nature? It certainly seems to be elusive to humans. Yet we keep striving to find it – in our relationships, in our work, in our own bodies. Many people feel like they have failed if a relationship ends or if the market forces them out of a job. Consider the possibility that these are all simply natural cycles of things and that the part that is unnatural – or out of sync – is the expectation that perfection exists.

I am a major proponent of being clear about what you want. It feels wonderful to know where you are going and set off to that place or state of mind or accomplishment. But like any journey, life is full of surprises along the way. Some of these surprises are annoying and some are pure pleasure. But the struggle and suffering arises when we make up a story that the surprises shouldn’t be there at all. The path SHOULD be straight to the goal!

WHERE do we get these crazy ideas? If perfection doesn’t even exist in nature, how can it be any different for us humans? We are, believe it or not, part of nature. It is similar to thinking that gravity exists for dogs and cats but not for humans.

Sometimes this fear of not getting it perfect is what limits our progress on the journey that we have chosen. I still believe it is incredibly important to aim for the sun, but landing among the stars can be pretty cool too.

Where Would You Like to Be 7 Days from Now?

2009-04-08T07:15:00.001-07:00

People often resort to trickery. Tricks to make our bodies think they want to achieve a certain goal. Lies that make us believe that our relationships are good or our jobs satisfying. Yet, often these tricks and lies become the substance of our lives.

One of my pet missions in life is to see the world operate on a more truthful playing field. Most of us have a well-developed habit of lying to ourselves, day in and day out. It can be extremely uncomfortable and inconvenient, in the short run, to be completely honest. But I believe that it is a prerequisite for a purposeful life.

I have been struggling with getting things on my “to do” list done. My body is simply not willing to accept the lies anymore (happens in all relationships, if they last long enough). No matter what story my mind concocts, the body has been saying, “Yeah, right!” It is has been a bit disconcerting, to tell you the truth.

Yesterday, I remembered a way to stop trying to force my body to get into action.

I asked myself the question, “Where do you want to be this time next week? What do you want to be doing (feeling)?”

Suddenly my “goals” took on a different quality. In that one moment my energy was magically in alignment with the list, rather than resisting it. The list itself didn’t really change much, but the energy with which I looked at it shifted dramatically. I went from seeing a list of chores, to reading the travel guidebook of things that I want to do on my journey.

Not only was I involved in my own life again, I also felt like I had some control of its destiny. There is purpose to the actions now, and it is an outcome that I FEEL rather than think about. It is not about the “Should”. It is rather about the gut connection to aliveness.

I encourage you to ask yourself the question too. Imagine yourself seven days from now. What do you want to be feeling? What have you accomplished? What have you attracted into your life? Who have you met, connected with? What amazing wonders have you witnessed? What are you excited about? All you have to do is imagine yourself. Don’t even worry if the picture is unrealistic – just be true to yourself about where you want to be in a week. It is only a creative imagination exercise, right?

2009-04-02T08:16:00.000-07:00

What would you do with your life if you weren’t worried about impressing ANYONE, AT ANY TIME?

Let this question seep in. BY anyone, I mean your parents and family, of course. But this also means your teachers and mentors, your friends, your co-workers or your banker. It means the lady next to you in the grocery line or the hot chick selling real estate. It means your customers, your creditors and your partners. Can you even imagine what it would feel like to not care AT ALL what any of those people thought about you or your actions.

Now some of you will go into a defensive posture here, arguing that it is important to have other people endorse us, challenge our actions or make us reach higher. That might or might not be true. But the reality is that we live most of our lives worried about impressing some one other than ourselves.

Do you even know what you would THINK about if you hadn’t been groomed to impress? I remember once at a 10 day meditation retreat, the leader talked about how even monks get into a trap of wanting to be better than other monks at meditating, at clearing their heads from thoughts of being a “better” monk.

What is underneath all of those layers of impressionable actions? Are we afraid that we won’t like ourselves if we are free to BE ourselves? Are we fearful of being outcasts if we don’t fit the mold?

As we grow older we hit that rather uncomfortable realization that we are not exactly going to live forever. Generally, that comes with questions about, “Does my life have meaning?”, “What else do I want to do with my life?”, and “Who the heck am I?”. Some of us also find that we might not know how to answer those questions because we are so conditioned to please others.

All of the online dating sites and Facebook and Linked In have a variety of little tests that you can take to discover new things about yourself. Here’s a test for you: I challenge you to see if you can go 2 hours without thinking about impressing some other human beyond yourself.

So, what would you be doing for the next two hours of YOUR life if there was no one that needed to be impressed, compensated, pleased, or placated by your actions, thoughts or desires?

A Case for Vacations

2009-04-01T07:37:00.000-07:00

Malcolm Gladwell, in his newest bestseller, Outlier, puts forth an interesting case about how success happens. Unlike most of us probably think, it is not simply hard work and individual talent. According to Gladwell, it is also circumstances and timing. Where your ancestors came from and what month you were born are just as important as your own IQ and innate talents. It is a fascinating study and I recommend it to anyone interested in what makes people tick.

The book has also opened my eyes to the possibility that it is ok that I do not REALLY WANT to work hard. I’ve been programmed to believe that it is a prerequisite to success and that I am a looser if I don’t relish spending my whole life dedicated to a task. But the reality in my gut is that I prefer to take a break than to actually DOING the work.

Now, I love to plan the work, prioritize the work, organize the work and describe the work…for others to DO the work. That is the truth and Gladwell has given me an interesting light at the end of the tunnel to explore.

My life is based on the belief that our bodies tell us what is true for us vs. what we are forcing. They tell us when we are in alignment with our purpose. So forcing myself to work has always been a spiritual challenge as well as a physical one. Now I have an inkling of a slightly different approach to the dilemma of why work is such a struggle for me.

Gladwell goes into great detail about how the Asian rice farmers are the hardest working people on the planet. How that culture really never was enslaved, but instead their own livelihood depended on their own hard work and precision about the planting and growing of the rice. Rice fields apparently are quite intricate creations and a sloppy approach ALWAYS gets sloppy results.

On the other hand, my ancestors, the Anglo Saxons, in the cold regions of what is now Great Britain, didn’t actually work that hard at all. As a matter of fact they worked just to get by and then get to the break of hibernating in the winter. Kind of like we work hard 5 days a week in an office but dream of the weekend all week long. Or go to school for 9 months dreaming of summer break.

I finally understand why I LOVE the downtime. It’s what I’ve been programmed by centuries of relaxers to do. Now I just need to take that other inbred quality, the love of exploration and travel and see what I can discover about how to make use of this brilliant insight. There must be a way to make my living by taking a break. I feel it in my gut! And I’ll get back to you as soon as I figure it out.

Cycles

2009-03-31T08:26:00.000-07:00

The evidence is all around us: life flows in cycles. The moon, the tides, the seasons all clearly operate in a cyclical nature. People are born, they grow and then hopefully much later, they grow old and inevitably they die. So why do we persist in thinking that we can live our life as a linear contest?

The current economic situation may be intense, but it is certainly not unique to human civilization. Yet the culture is reacting as if this is a failure of our climb to success. Those who thought they had “landed” or “arrived” are finding that they are having to “start over”.

Well, yeah. We are actually starting over every second. There is, in reality, no track on which to go fast. There is no place to which we arrive. It is only a faulty thinking pattern that pushes us to hold our breath as we move through life, trying to “reach the top”.

There will always be cycles, because we are part of nature. Some days we feel optimistic, others we are blue. Some days we know that our relationship is healthy and hearty, the next day, we question, “Is this really worth it?” This is part of our humanity – not as a fault, but as a beautiful thing. The struggle comes from expecting it to be otherwise. From expecting it to be a smooth series of steps that move us into consecutively better situations.

At work, we kill our bodies by working extra hours to show our team spirit, we stress over deadlines and we put up with feelings of inadequacy or conversely, we glory in the accolades that come with a job well done. And somehow in those waves of doing well or missing the goal, we believe that it is a linear process. Most humans think that having the boss tell you that you messed up is moving you in the direction that you do NOT want to go or that getting her praise is moving in the direction that will solve all of your problems.

But life is messy, nature is messy. It does not go in straight lines – EVER! It will ALWAYS be an experience of some positive and some things that we judge to be negative. The sooner we come to appreciate the flow of it all and let go of the idea that there is a place to arrive at, the sooner we can be full human beings and actually enjoy every minute of this amazing experience called life.

Yours, Mine and Ours

2009-02-05T07:32:00.000-08:00

The whirligig that is my mind slowed down enough this morning to ask for a bit of help in determining what my next steps might be. Some people cry that they don’t have any ideas, no desires that drive them. I have somewhat the opposite problem of so many dreams that I cannot possibly do them all – at least not all at the same time. And I have been trapped in the circle of trying to decide which dream to pursue.

It might be more accurate to say that I am searching for the place that the dreams might intersect. I keep asking myself, what will make me happy? What will fulfill my purpose? I know that I need to be in action, but action toward WHAT end?

This morning, in my moment of silent contemplation, I realized that my dreams are not here just because they will make me happy if I realize them. I believe that they do tend to satisfy, but I don’t think that is the PURPOSE of them at all.

I spend all of my time in the pursuit of “my” desires. This is fine, I believe, because dreams and desires are the method that the Divine leads us along the way. But this path really isn’t about “me” at all. It is about that thing of which “me” is an integral part. It is my physical existence that is my responsibility, but it doesn’t really belong to me in an isolated way.

I pulled a Wisdom card this morning that knocked my feet out from under me.

“We are asked to take the next step and then let go. The outcome is not ours to ponder. It is in the hands of the Divine.”

I always took this to mean that the Divine was smarter about what was good for me and would lead me into the land of milk and honey. If I did the right thing and managed to trust, then God would “reward” me with some fantabulous life. But the results aren’t about my life at all. Yes, I will most surely enjoy my life more if I can live it in trust and peace, but that isn’t really the point. I’ve been going for the wrong goal all along.

“I” am not the goal at all. We are. All of us. You know, that “We are one all stuff.” The goal isn’t for me to personally find nirvana by following this dream or that desire. It is for me to follow the dreams and desires so that the whole can operate at a higher frequency.

In the past, there was always this choice about following the desires, because, heck they were mine, right? And if I chose to be lazy and not follow my dream, then who cared? I could be sad or angry, and who cared? If I chose to ignore a dream because I was too busy being depressed, then it was my life that I was messing with. Who cared?

Today I just got a glimpse of the reality that we all care. It affects the vibration of the whole planet when I am depressed, when I ignore my dreams.

We constantly have desires in our physical bodies. I don’t mean just physical ones like desire for touch or for food or for sleep. I mean we have pictures of who we really are and we have dreams of things that we would like to do, “when we grow up.” Perhaps these are all messages from the One of what direction to follow to be in alignment with Divine energy. They aren’t about making us happier, although I am sure that is a result as well. They are about being in sync.

I have no idea WHY we are all in the physical plane, instead of being spirits, but I am now pretty damn sure it isn’t just to reach personal satisfaction with having done it right. If I am the arm or liver or fingernail of this physical body, then I’d better get to work following the instructions of how to BE that part fully. And listening to my dreams, acting on my desires and LETTING GO of the outcome is apparently the way to do it.

Irregular Jobs

2009-01-28T08:39:00.000-08:00

As I look back on the photos of the inauguration, I am reminded of all of the back-stories of regular people that are also part of the experience. I’ve always been fascinated with life when I learn of jobs that I never even knew existed and the inauguration brought out a few of these for me.

While all of the big wigs were being photographed getting seated in the frigid Washington cold, some group of other people was moving very quickly to get the furniture moved into the new home for the Obamas. I‘m not just talking about the movers, who certainly must have had to pass more stringent tests than the drunks who delivered my furniture last time I moved. I mean the White House staff that planned and executed this rather big move with military precision. I heard that they had been planning this day for over a year! And even though they missed the historical swearing in ceremony, they were probably warm and cozy.

Then there is the Marine Band. Apparently, these guys (and maybe girls) are the President’s PERSONAL band. I can’t say that I’ve ever really wanted a personal band, but I guess its one of the perks that goes along with this incredible job. Can you imagine being on call to go perform marching band music for the President whenever he finds he needs music to back up his message with pomp and ceremony? This is a full time gig too; not bad for a tuba player.

Another overlooked hero is the person who negotiated the deal with the movie studios that “loaned” the Obama girls their own copy of the newly released Bolt and High School Musical 10 (or whatever number it is now) for their sleepover on that first night. It must be really fun to be this person who can ask favors of just about anyone and probably usually get what they ask for.

If anyone hears of a job like that in Austin, let me know.

Wedding Photos

2009-01-28T08:38:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I spent 30 minutes devouring a VERY high-resolution photo of the inauguration. It was much like playing “Where’s Waldo” as I looked for the expressions on the faces in the crowd. On the famous day itself, I could not tear myself away from the TV; so looking at this photo was a bit like a walk through memory lane.

As we move into the next phase of “doing the work” of governing this nation and leading the world with our values rather than our might, it might be useful to look back at these photos from time to time. Much like couples look at their wedding photos to remember the hopeful feelings that they were feeling on their big day.

Inauguration WAS a big day for America! I, like so many others over the age of 25, am amazed that we actually managed to get to this big day in my lifetime. I know that now that the actual work has begun, there will be disappointments and complaints and many voices trying to find fault, no matter what. Yet, the big day really DID happen and no one can take that away from all of us.

I think I might just go out and buy one of those commemorative plates after all. Well, on second thought, maybe I’ll just stick with a nice book of glossy pictures for my coffee table.

Here’s the link to the photo if you want to play, “Find the funny hats” for yourself.

http://gigapan.org/viewGigapanFullscreen.php?auth=033ef14483ee899496648c2b4b06233c

Leaving the White House

2009-01-16T11:08:00.000-08:00

Most people probably don’t think much about the actual process of letting go and about how often we must do it. I believe that consciously letting go is a uniquely human quality and that it takes much practice and skill to do it with grace.

We often talk about “being stuck”, but in reality this happens with incredible frequency. Whenever energy is not moving, it is stuck. I absolutely love my home and in these times of financial stress, I have moments of worrying about having to leave my cozy little nest.

Our culture actually endorses the concept of being stuck. Get a good job and stay there as long as possible. Get married and have the relationship last your whole lives. Make some money and watch it build up in your 401K.

Yet, the reality of life is that it is on the move. I was thinking today about outgoing President Bush and his wife, Laura. They have been living in that big white house for eight (incredibly long) years. That is almost as long as I have lived in Austin. It has become home to them – with 24 hr access to their own chef, a full sized theater and the power to send people running to serve them. Yet, in only a few days they will be walking away from their “home”.

I have a piece of property I Oregon that I have been trying to sell for about 25 years. It is on top of a hill in the middle of nowhere with an incredible view of snow capped mountains. I have no interest in being there and need the money for grad school. But, now that someone is actually considering taking it off my hands, I am getting feelings of attachment inside my belly. How can it be that this will soon not be “mine”?

Anytime, we have to let go of a relationship, part of the difficulty is the actual process of letting go of what had felt like “ours”. Sometimes we might be very happy to not deal with the actual person involved anymore, but letting go of the concept is still difficult.

When I sold my trusty car that had decided it was ready to become very expensive, I was sad to hand it over. I felt like I was leaving a member of my family. Yet, I loved my new car and the excitement of having all of the doors and windows work.

Even when we have to hand over a project to someone at work, there is a sense of letting it go. It is no longer “yours” even if you birthed it from inception.

These are all sad moments, but what if someone had taught us at an early age, that it is completely normal and that the more you practice it, the better life works. The stuck feeling comes from thinking that you shouldn’t have to let go of anything. When in reality, we are letting go continually. After all, we have to let go of a breath in order to take in a new one. We have to let go of a thought to have a new idea. We have to let go of each bite as we swallow it in order to take another yummy spoonful of chocolate mousse.

So let’s learn to celebrate the letting go. Let’s learn to acknowledge that it is a good thing and that we are in sync with our world when we can smile at the changes. Until we have achieved this skill, it is very difficult to actually be in the moment – which is where life is really happening after all.

Hidden Treasures

2009-01-12T09:22:00.000-08:00

Austin is blessed with lots of sunny weather, but with that sunshine streaming through the windows comes awareness. A few days ago as a sunbeam lit up the dust suspended in the air around my face, I was reminded of how much crap we are breathing in that we cannot even see. Billions of little particles were casually going in and going out of my body. I’m sure that this happens all day, every day, but I got a little freaked out by it, since cedar pollen was high that day.

This morning I read a beautiful passage by James Geary that gave me a slightly different view of my pesky dust particles.

“Dust is ubiquitous but hidden, until sunlight streams through a window to reveal that we are swimming in it. It swirls around and surrounds us like krill in an ocean current. We cannot escape it, it falls like rain, incessantly, until it covers everything, like silt at the bottom of a lake.”

“Whatever shines should be observed,” according to 19^th century astronomer William Herschel.

Dust, even though it is omnipresent, is invisible without the light upon it. As Geary so aptly states, “Even what is nearest, most prolific, is invisible unless properly lit.”

I’m wondering what else I might be missing. What else might I discover if I put the light of my attention upon it?

A Bump-Free Life

2009-01-09T11:15:00.000-08:00

I’ve been in one of those Hansel and Gretel weeks again, where I forgot all of the good advice and wisdom that I have learned over the years and muddled around in a funk of my own making. Fortunately, I have great friends that reminded me that I am loved and I have popped out of the woods into the clearing this morning.

My personal challenge is getting lost in this funk. For others it might be working too hard and loosing sight of themselves. Still others are drowning in insecurity that makes them question their own worthiness to even be on the planet with all of the rest of us “highly successful” people. We all have some life challenges on our journey.

But that is the point, I believe.

The journey, and all that we encounter in our moment to moments is life. It IS the point.

I recently read a wonderful book called Awake at Work in which the author pointed out that all of the bumps in the road are part of the package. We get into trouble by expecting work, or life, to go smoothly. The struggle arises, not from the bumps necessarily, but from the suffering that arises out of our disappointment in the arrival of the bumps in the first place.

Those of us that have been on a path of spiritual awareness are likely to be beating ourselves up even more when we don’t succeed at creating a bump-free life. If the Law of Attraction is true, then aren’t we responsible for the struggles that we attract?

I am slowly realizing that feeling guilty (or angry) that I didn’t create a bump-free life only means that I am alive. Although, I am far happier than ever before and even though I am learning how to manifest many wonderful situations in my life, I will never have a completely bump-free life.

And ironically, it is in the acceptance of these various bumps that the journey smoothes out. It is in the being…in the moment…with the bumps…that I find my peace and relish my joy.

Thinking for Success

2009-01-07T11:39:00.000-08:00

The news is full of people that are so busy with day-to-day business that they have no time for reflection. Spiritual leaders have been suggesting for centuries that humans would be better served with more quiet contemplation and inner dialogue.

But what about those of us who spend too much time in reflection and not enough in action? Where is the advise for people that can’t get their feet moving on the ground because they are so busy becoming better people? I would be happy to just sit and THINK all day long. But last I checked, that wasn’t doing much to enhance my financial stability.

I currently have 7 matching white notebooks standing tall on the shelf above my desk. Each one is full of do to lists for each of the 7 current business plans that I have in action. “In action” is a misnomer, perhaps, because all that is in action for most of them is my brain.

There just simply never seems to be enough time to get to any of these lists. I mean I need to do my daily yoga practice, meditate, get some exercise, lovingly prepare tasty organic meals, spend time with family and friends, fight these insistent wrinkles on my face, and of course speak from my heart on this blog.

I believe that these things are vitally important, not only to my own purpose, but also to sharing my gifts with others. So where is the space for 8-10 more hours a day building a business and providing myself with those fine little green paper rectangles called dollars?

I know that balance is important. But what the heck does that even mean and HOW on earth does one achieve it?

I’ve decided that since I am a master reflector/contemplator that I am the perfect experiment to find out the answer to that question. Maybe I can SELF-REFLECT my way into successful action. I’ll keep you posted.

Adventure of Blue Cross

2009-01-06T08:26:00.000-08:00

If you asked me why I love to travel, I would tell you that it is for the adventure, the not knowing what comes around the next corner. I might even tell you that it had something to do with the challenge of discovery.

Yet, I do NOT relish that same challenge in my day-to-day existence.

Just after Christmas, I was rejected by Blue Cross insurance due to my medical history. Even though I have only met my deductible once in the 20 year history with this company, they have decided that I am no longer worth the risk. I won’t go into the list of things that they deemed worthy of rejection, but it included headaches and being tired!

My emotional meter has been off the charts. First, the fear hit me in the face. It is frightening to join the millions of Americans without health insurance. Then anger arrived. This list is ridiculous. I know that Blue Cross is a business, but this doesn’t even make business sense. Occasionally, I remember my New Year’s resolutions and believe that this will either work out on appeal or will save me hundreds of dollars a month because I no longer have to pay premiums.

The bad news is that this adventure is keeping me up at night.

So where is my excitement about the challenge of discovery? How do I start from gentleness and let go of control?

In the past, spiritual teachers were taken away from the day-to-day and sequestered in monasteries, well protected from the challenges of ordinary (and stressful) life. Today, it seems that the spiritual lessons lie in the integration of ordinary, physical experiences, complete with frustration, anger and fear.

I know that I have choices here as to which road to take. I cannot determine what Blue Cross will do, but I can choose my own emotional route through this junk. I can look at this adventure like a game of discovery – what will I learn if I stay calm? Do I have the diligence and determination to even try that? Who might I meet even if the worst happens and I get sick with no insurance?

Yes, I am very comfy in my safe little life, but life awaits me outside of the confines of my safety. This is just as challenging as getting to New Zealand and for all I know, it will be just as rewarding. One of my biggest lessons from that adventure was that everything will be ok – it all works out. I imagine that the lesson is the same here.

New Year's Resolutions

2009-01-05T09:08:00.000-08:00

The New Year is always full of well meant resolutions and fresh determinations. So it only seems appropriate for me to join the chorus and share my intentions for the year. Of course, I used my trusty sets of angel cards to get a clearer picture of what I should be focusing on this year. After all, I have so many ideas and so little actual follow through that I needed all the help I could find to get clear on what to do FIRST in order to achieve ANYTHING.

Obviously, the first resolution is to start writing again every day. Actually, what I asked the Universe for was the energy to get into action. Then I made a list of the things that actually GIVE me energy. And…surprise, writing does give me energy. So why did I skip it for so long?

The second resolution is to never ask “Why?” It is a useless question, for the most part. It usually leads me into blame and guilt. Who cares why I didn’t do it. It is far more important to focus doing it NOW.

Here are the cards that I drew for 2009 that are the basis of my real New Year’s resolutions:

1. Use my voice.

Say things out loud, not just in my head. This makes so much sense if you believe that we are a world of vibrations. I desire certain things in the physical world, yet I rarely match my own vibration with these desires through my own voice. I know all about the Law of Attraction, but I’ve been missing this sort of simple piece. I guess I didn’t want to sound stupid!!! But before I get into a rant about how stupid THAT was, let’s look at the next card.

2. Start from gentleness.

Rather than beating myself up for being less than perfect or for not manifesting certain situations in my life, perhaps it might be good to start from a gentle heart. This is harder than it sounds when I get frustrated with slow drivers in the left lane or afraid that my insurance is being canceled or lonely when I don’t have plans on Friday night. Yet, this is a beautiful resolution because it is a starting place, and I can come back to it every time.

3. Be open to receive.

I’ve written about this one before, about how important it is to stretch our container, ourselves, to be able to hold the gifts that we are asking for. If we ask for a million dollars but only have a tiny little purse, how could we even receive the money? Or more importantly, if we have fears about money in our heart, how can the universe give us something that we are repelling internally?

4. Let go of control.

Oh yeah...THAT!

5. Pay attention to my attention.

Be aware of what I am putting my attention on.

Of course, I still have lots of plans for 2009 that include a healthier body, a brilliant source of income, starting grad school, writing a book, changing the world and an abundance of fun and friends, but now I have a starting place that I can return to whenever I fall off the wagon of New Year’s resolutions. These intentions bring me back to living in the moment and can be renewed at any time of the year.

Unseen Wonders

2008-10-29T07:31:00.000-07:00

Next time that a friend doubts that this energy stuff is real, I am going to send them to my chiropractor, Dr. Books. This isn’t a pitch for her services, but it is a pitch for the weird, woo woo stuff that goes on everyday all around our own bodies. I have been doing some allergy elimination work with her that involves breathing, chiropractic tapping on places on my back and holding little glass vials of various substances. If that doesn’t sound woo woo, nothing ever did.

But here’s the kicker. It is absolutely doing something to the electrical impulses in my brain. I can only trust that it is good.

The first time I was treated I noticed a bit of physical dizziness. I played tennis that evening and much to my amazement, couldn’t remember how to hit the ball. I’m a fairly accomplished player since I have been playing my whole life, so this was akin to forgetting how to walk or talk.

Eventually, the deep emotional work that she did with me allowed that allergen to clear and we moved onto the next one several days later. This time I went to yoga and couldn’t get my breathing to be orderly. I have been practicing yoga for quite awhile so this too was a bit freaky. My inhalations were happening when it should have been an exhalation, etc.

So it was back to the office for more deep emotional work and eventually on to the next allergen. This time I noticed a marked disorientation to time. After the treatment, I headed over to HEB to pick up some distilled water, because I was avoiding calcium this time. I was so spacey that I left my purse in the cart OUTSIDE after I left. I drove home, did a few tasks and then realized that I had left my purse, with cell phone, glasses, and credit cards in the parking lot!!!! I freaked out and raced back to the store, telling myself that some nice person will have saved my butt. Indeed, the purse was safely locked away in the office and once again, my angels were looking out for me.

This week after my next treatment, I was ready for the disorientation. I was keeping a sharp eye out for my belongings and paying close attention to my balance AND my driving. I wanted everything to stay safe. But I wasn’t prepared for the emotional wave of bawling that suddenly hit me while I was in Target – for absolutely no reason and with absolutely no warning.

This stuff is WEIRD!!! But it must be doing something because the rewiring effects are obvious. The good news is that about 3-6 hours after a treatment, I feel very clear and alert. Some of this energy work seems so far fetched, but I am a testament to the reality that SOMETHING is going on! Something invisible like the wind that we can only see the effect of.

Hopefully, the treatment will skip cross-wiring my ability to write and use the computer. And maybe it will improve my typing and spelling skills. One can always dream.

Brain Gymnastics

2008-10-28T07:25:00.000-07:00

At the last Wisdom at Work luncheon the speaker brought up the idea that, life is a school and that we each design our own curriculum. The only thing that I don’t like about this concept is the implied testing that comes along with the school part. Now, don’t get me wrong, I used to love tests. But I think I loved them because I did well and it was one of the few places that I got praise. It was an ego thing. I’m pretty darn sure at this point in my life that the spiritual “lesson” is NOT about feeding my ego.

I’m more inclined to think of life as a journey and it has been my deepest intention to view it that way since my return from New Zealand. Those two months of indisputable journey taught me the value of exploring each new day to discover what new and exciting things that I could find. My challenge now is to apply that same attitude to a more contained (and man-made) playing field.

Some days it is fascinating to notice the amazing creations that the Universe and I bring to my life. Other days, it is a bit of a struggle just to appreciate the sunrise. Lately, this journey of my life has plopped me on the doorstep of a school – a literal school. Somehow I got it in my head that I wanted to go back to school and get my MBA. I’m not yet sure whose crazy plan this one was, whether it originated from some divine guidance or whether it was ego driven, but I do know that it is opening some very stiff doors inside of my head.

I don’t believe I realized how asleep my brain has been in terms of focused learning. And now that I know, it is an incredible uphill journey to retrain my brain to learn, in the traditional way. This week, I went into a bit of a downward spiral, so concerned about the decrepit state of my noggin.

But like the P.E. teacher used to say, a muscle needs resistance to build strength, so my brain must need the struggle to expand as well. And like everything else in this journey of life, it seems to be the attitude that governs the quality of the exploration. Since I decided to relax and trust that my brain will eventually be fit again, I have begun to at least understand the simple processes of algebra and geometry. But more importantly, I have regained my ability to enjoy the moment and be grateful that the sun has indeed come up yet another morning.

Stand Up to Be Counted

2008-10-08T08:26:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have been attending a lot of events, many of which had a social media, networking component to them. For some reason, I have gotten it into my head that I need to be a member of the 21^st century and be able to converse in this new world of Twittering and Facebook and Google Reader. I am not totally convinced that I have the skills or personality necessary to become fluent, but I’m hoping that I can eventually be at least literate.

In this pursuit, I have learned a lot about how our culture is moving away from the broadcast model of one-way communication (like TV, the preacher, or the boss) towards more of a multi-directional conversation. Last weekend I attended the National Conference on Dialogue and Deliberation where I experienced the practice of conversation for a range of purposes, including re-engaging democracy and learning to resolve our conflicts.

I have been a practitioner of dialogue as a process for hearing the “third” side for many years and believe fully in the power of this tool. I have seen hundreds of instances where people gathered and allowed the solution to emerge, rather than trying to force the answer through. It is a powerful means of connection and getting to the heart of the matter in a short amount of time.

But today, I am reminded that there is another choice beyond simply the broadcast method or the conversation method, and that is the case where a person keeps themselves locked up inside; where they use neither broadcasting their uniqueness or engaging in conversation with others to co-create a new reality. And this shut down place is where many of us live much of our lives.

When I committed to my New Zealand venture, part of the internal promise was about discovering what was on the inside and bringing it forward to share with others. That is why this blog was born in the first place. I realized that I have something important to share with others and I committed to allowing it to emerge through me. My job was, and still is, to be brave enough to speak “IT”, write about “IT”, be “IT” and to broadcast what I am and what I have to share.

Sometimes it is ok for this to be a one - way street, because I need the practice in broadcasting. I need to know deep in my heart that it is important for me to share what I have to say, to share who I am and what I believe to be true. So, although I love the fact that our culture is learning to be in conversation, I also want to advocate that we need to have enough faith in our own path of wisdom to be willing to be noticed. Sometimes, it is important to show others how great we really are, just by standing up and broadcasting our own inner beauty and intelligence. Some days it is part of the path to step forward and be at the front of the line.

No Such Thing as Overwhelm

2008-09-29T08:28:00.000-07:00

When my son was diagnosed with ADHD as a teenager, we had to learn to focus on the little steps rather than getting overwhelmed by the multitude of things that needed attention.

I think that we all have a bit of this aspect of ADHD – the sense of overwhelm when we look at our lives. Perhaps we are focusing our attention too wide. It is certainly more difficult to make positive changes across the whole world than it is in our own hearts. When we “try” to practice the art of attraction by being aware of our thoughts, often we are thinking too big, rather than focusing on the more immediate realities around us.

We ask for things like happiness and world peace and then get disappointed that our prayers do not seem to be answered. We want to create a life of financial abundance and serenity, yet we complain that we are stuck in poverty and struggle.

Life is always in motion. There is no such thing as stuck in nature. The sun and moon always move across our skies. The oceans are in constant motion. The birds and the bees are always busy. Even when storms are upon us, they are getting prepared. Stuck is simply a thought that keeps reappearing in the whirlpool of our brains. It does not actually exist. What exist are tiny moments, milliseconds of reality, flying across our consciousness. If we can take in these small increments, being aware of the movement within even a single breath, then perhaps we can find that the happiness we so urgently seek is already there.

The joy is actually in the small things, a taste of sweetness when you bite into a perfect peach, the feel of a lover’s touch on the back of your neck, or the delight of a fresh breeze on a cool morning. When we can notice the small moments of our reality, then we can begin to see that we are not overwhelmed after all. It is here in these moments of awareness and appreciation that we can see the progress that we are making as we move through our lives. We can see that we are not ever stuck; we are always in motion. We are indeed creating our own reality.

Cherry on Top

2008-09-23T07:43:00.000-07:00

Being a life coach has huge advantages, including being able to live vicariously through your clients’ drama without having much of your own. I also get to hear all of the magic words that come out of my mouth – for them. Fortunately, I have the good sense to recognize the words are also for me.

I’ve been noticing the tendency of people to get tight or constricted in their lives, rather than being open and receptive. This isn’t necessarily a muscular event, although I’m sure that it eventually shows up in our bodies that way. What I’m talking about starts along the top of our skulls and runs along the spinal chord. It is a closed minded sort of energy that feels like gritting your teeth, from the inside out. And it is incredibly NOT useful in creating anything but stuckness.

The goal in this life is not to have lots of financial success, relationship success or even health success. The goal is to stay in that amazing river of flow, the energy of ease, the place where connections happen magically and the life force is zooming through your veins. When that happens, all of the “successes” of our human endeavor simply pale in comparison.

We get hung up on the idea that the goals are achieving these worldly “successes” when those things are merely tools to achieve the fullness of LIFE. And I mean LIFE with a capital “L”. So many of us sleep walk through life and rarely feel LIFE with a capitol “L”. And then when we do feel it, after a great workshop, a fabulous meeting where everyone was “rocking”, or an amazing miracle of holding a new life in your hands, we tend to think that those moments are the exception, rather than the rule.

Those full moments are LIFE with a capitol “L” and they are available to us any time that we want to be open to them. The goal for us humans is to find a way to stay in that river of openness and wonder, to habituate the choosing of trust and ease rather than choosing to try to control the experience of life.

Yes, it is vitally important to be clear in what you want in life. But it is equally important to make the request and then let it go. I don’t mean to just put it out of your consciousness and then hide from the desire. I mean to truly trust that you have been “heard”, the request is in the system and the result will show up in your physical experience. It likely will not look quite how you had planned, but when you are open, it usually looks and feels quite spectacular.

Anytime that you feel stuck or dragging through your day, you have come up against your own constriction. In some way, you are not being open to the creation of LIFE. Accept that you have hit a rock in the river that is forcing the river to redirect the water around it. But, like the river, KNOW that it is also possible to casually just go around the rock and flow on down stream.

When you are in this flow that is LIFE with a capitol “L”, all of those worldly successes are simply the cherry on top.

Benjamin Kerr

2008-09-21T08:06:00.000-07:00

Recently I have begun to realize that I am a writer. I didn’t have to go to school or achieve any certificate of notoriety to gain this distinction. I simply AM…a writer. I always have been, but it came as a bit of a surprise to realize the depth of the truth. Through every cell of my body, this is what I am and no one can change that, question it or make it not so. But the best part is that the realization snuck up on me. It arrived through some back door that I didn’t even know existed.

This morning I was reading an alumni magazine from the University of Washington with short articles by favorite faculty. I want to quote it here because I am always mentioning parallels from the natural world that are valid in our human journey as well. Benjamin Kerr is a professor of biology who probably wasn’t even born when I attended his university, but apparently he is seen as the guru of experimental, evolutionary teaching by the current crop of students.

On the first day of class, he writes a little computer program that spits out numbers and sometimes yes-no answers. He doesn’t explain much to the students, but gives them free rein to think about what the little black box is doing. Of course, they want answers, as we all tend to do.

Kerr doesn’t tell them though, because he says, “this is already much more than you’d be given in a natural system. You’re given only the sort of agreement between your ideas and the data that you happen to have. So you’d love to have Truth with a capital ‘T’, but you’ve got truth with a little provisional ‘t’. And you’re contributing to a continually evolving, continually changing set of ideas about the natural world that can always embrace new data points.

“There is something empowering and liberating about that. If you’re an experimentalist, what you do is manipulate and then listen. You take an active role in creating a world and then you listen to what the created world tells you. But it’s still fundamentally about listening. And not having somebody tell you the answer.”

This is the best description of my spiritual practice that I have ever heard. Accept your ideas and the data that you have as a provisional “truth”, add some manipulative action and LISTEN to the result. You take an active role in the creation of your world, but then you listen. Take some more action and listen again.

Today I heard that I was a writer, who knows what I’ll be in the future? I’ve finally come to realize that this is the fun part – the not knowing the answer and enjoying the journey of the question.

Rhythms of Intention

2008-09-19T09:25:00.000-07:00

Recently I had a coaching client who needed to create $100,000 in a month with a product that had not sold more than a few hundred dollars worth in the past six months. It seemed a bit of an unrealistic expectation to me, but I wanted to keep an open mind. Maybe she had a powerful ability to create miracles.

Working with the subtle energies that affect our thoughts is a delicate balance. Where do we need to “Get real” or “Be realistic” and where do we need to believe in the “Supernatural” or the really big dreams? I’ve seen a lot of entrepreneurs who have a great idea but can’t get anything to happen on the ground. And I’ve seen even more business people who have all of the details and dollars in the right columns, but are miserable in their creations of “success”.

For those of us that feel “called” to accomplish big ideas, there seems to be a lovely symphony of getting crystal clear with the original intention, getting into motion, and then letting go. Some days the motion seems pointless and other days it leads to amazing connections and manifestations that were far outside the original plan. This balance of staying focused and letting go is happening in a rhythm of ordered inquiry. Always open to the question, “What’s next?”

When I used to go hiking with my mountain man ex-husband, I would lag far behind. Of course, I made him wrong for having long legs and abundant energy and constantly leaving me in his dust. But eventually, I managed to eek out a question that turned the whole experience around for me. “How on earth do you keep going like that?” He told me it was simple, “Just relax in between the steps.”

So now, as I move into this rather exciting AND scary time period in my life of creation and LOTS OF WORK, I have to remember to relax between every step. Just like the tides, just like our breath, the road to true success in this life of mine is a rhythm of work - relax; create - rest; take action – take a breath. And just like the rhythms of the moon, some days I will brighter than others.

Using and Outside Voice

2008-09-17T09:42:00.001-07:00

This morning as I set about my daily tasks, I got really tired of hearing my voice inside of my head. Of course, like everyone else, that voice never stops – unless I am around other people and I need to listen for a while. Usually the voice has much wisdom to share, but last night it got stuck on fear and I simply didn’t have the desire to hear it anymore this morning.

But HOW does one ask one’s own voice to stop? Today I felt like I was a character in the musical movie, Mama Mia, where someone was always running away from someone else who was singing to them up and down the steep hills of some Greek island.

One of my morning rituals is playing with my angel cards and crystal ally cards. I know this sounds very woo woo, but it works for me in a powerfully accurate way. One card recently was all about using your voice as a tool for creation. Today’s cards were “speaking your personal truth” and a story from New Zealand lore about “The Great Sound from which all was created.” I also drew a card about trusting who you are and one that said the only trap I am in is the one I have made with my own thoughts.

So today, if you happen to see a woman walking around talking out loud to herself, don’t think her deranged. She is just avoiding the voice inside of her head by speaking aloud.

Twitter-a-gogg

2008-09-17T09:42:00.000-07:00

On a conceptual level, I learned how to Twitter last night. I spent several hours in the company of about 30 men and a few women while they spoke in Twitter language about this new social media phenomenon. I think that many of these social networking innovations have came about because geeks have such limited social skills in the conventional sense and they needed to connect to humans through the medium at which they were proficient. I’m also convinced that they are all ADD in order to manage all of these dang new ways of communicating.

At one point I the meeting, I realized that I had just listened to a guy talk for five minutes – using the English language – and I had absolutely no idea what he had just said. I decided at that point to let go and flow with it in a stream of consciousness manner. French is a beautiful language and even though I can read it a bit, I am usually lost when two native French speakers engage in a conversation. I’m not sure that I would call Tweeting “beautiful”, but I was just as incapable of understanding it as the most brilliant discourse in French or Russian or Martian. Hopefully, I picked up a few words here and there and eventually the learning curve will not be so steep.

The group was very lighthearted though and genuinely curious about everyone’s business ventures. The sense of “greater good” and “karma” was flourishing and it was refreshing to hear a group of tech guys talking about helping each other out and being responsible to the bigger picture.

And I watch with much amusement as I swim in these new rivers of information, how many different kinds of people are coming into my circle. It was fun to be in a group of mostly guys just to experience the masculine energy. I feel like my horizons are expanding daily. And as the horizons expand, so will the journey.

Of course, as soon as I sign up for Twitter and start “following” and being “followed”, then my horizons might just be infinite. That’s a pretty big journey!

Enlightened Entrepreneurship

2008-09-15T21:53:00.001-07:00

It’s sort of funny to realize what you can do if you set your mind to it. Take my inability to deal with technology, for instance. Recently I decided to move forward with a BIG, scary project that involves a LOT of technological aspects. These are probably pieces of technology not even invented yet, and I can’t even master the social networking sites on the web.

But once I decided to take this idea forward, I also had to be committed to resolving the pieces that are presently outside of my scope of knowledge, skills and experience. And perhaps that is the purpose of the project in the first place.

Tonight, I attended my first sub group meeting for Bootstrap Austin. This is a very lively “networking” group that has always been beyond my ability to translate the brilliance of their techno – speak into plain human English language. Last week I attended the monthly meeting, but tonight I ventured out into the more interactive “ideation” sub-group.

We learned a lot about the stories behind the great innovators of our times and about the core energies of their teams. We talked about the types of roads into entrepreneurship and at length about the way to bootstrap your business into reality. But the piece that was especially wonderful was to be reminded that entrepreneurship is only the vehicle to walking the path of our own personal mysteries and discoveries.

Some entrepreneurs get stuck on making the perfect model, so the widget never even gets to market. The widget gets stuck as an idea in someone’s head, always being perfected, never ready. This type of “creator” thinks they need all of the answers before they can move. I can relate.

Likewise, this type struggles for all of the answers in life as well. How you do business is how you do life. It is just one of the many clues that the Universe throws our way for learning about ourselves.

My idea is really big – even this group of inventors agreed it is quite a giant step. And while we were all coaching the entrepreneur that was stuck in trying to create perfection, I realized that my idea is huge for a reason. I am in the process of teaching myself to PLAY big.

Are there a million small steps to take before this can happen? At least that many. Will they provide fodder for growth? You can count on it. It doesn’t REALLY matter if this project succeeds or not, what REALLY matters is if I play the in right game or not. Hopefully, I will play it well for the most part. But most important of all is to realize that it is simply a game and that I can enjoy the millions of times that I will fall down before I learn to walk.

Flying Trapeze

2008-09-15T11:58:00.000-07:00

To loose someone or something that you care about is always a very difficult thing to do. But when you loose a relationship because the other person chose to leave, it also becomes very confusing. You begin to question yourself and ask, “Why?” when there is really is no such answer. You start to tell yourself that you simply weren’t good enough or pretty enough or smart enough or something enough. And then, the next time a relationship shows up, you settle for less than you really want, because you have a scar on your heart that must be protected at all costs. And instead of bringing that painful memory into the light where it is only a shadow after all, you avoid thinking about the damage, you hide it behind a scarf, or you make jokes about it. Then you make new choices that are not in alignment with what you really want for yourself in your heart of hearts.

How often do we ask for less than we really want, because we simply don’t want to look at the shadow? Do we really think that we acquired the pain in the first place because we weren’t good enough? Probably the reality is that we lost the relationship or job or friend because it wasn’t a good fit. We didn’t choose well. Or we chose for all of the wrong reasons.

In this rather long period that I have been single now, I have OFTEN wondered why someone new hasn’t shown up? Tonight, I realized that I am afraid of worrying about the loosing someone again aspect of a relationship. It hurt so badly the last time that it is simply easier to be alone than to risk feeling that loss again.

Instead of shooting for the stars, I simply long for the moon.

I look at my body growing less firm with middle age and can’t imagine how a man could find me attractive anymore. Or at best I imagine how I could hide the reality of my age from someone if I do manage to attract him. Eight years of holding my breath was a long time and it has left a well-rooted rut. I do not ever want that feeling in my gut again of building a relationship with someone and then finding out that it was an illusion all along. That no matter how good I look, no matter how open or forgiving I am, the relationship is still not a fit.

These eight years of a robbed me of that easy and sure feeling and for THAT I am still angry. I know that it would help if I could forgive both the guy and myself, but I’m not sure that I know how. Yet.

That’s what I don’t want, but what do I want and do I have the courage to face my own shadow yet?

Yes, I miss the touch and the intimacy. I do long for good sex and sharing shopping for groceries. I would love to get excited to see someone at the end of my day and having someone to enjoy the sunset with or build an empire with.

A strong, healthy, loving man cannot show up until I can trust that such a thing is possible for me. I know that I don’t GET intimacy, because I am so rarely willing to be wrong or vulnerable or weak. Yet, I would love to feel the freedom of trusting that the trapeze swing will be there for me, if I jump.

So, this time, when considering another relationship, I want to be sure that I am shooting high, instead of shooting lower because I think that will increase my odds of not being abandoned. I want to shoot for the real thing and get caught by his arms on the other side.

In Sync

2008-09-08T10:14:00.000-07:00

Science tells us that any vibrating thing, including electromagnetic waves and humans, has a preferential frequency where vibrating is the easiest. I believe that when we are not able to operate at that frequency, or when our bodies have multiple systems operating at different frequencies, we feel interference, struggle, or illness. I know that the science only verifies the phenomenon for VERY small, subatomic behaviors, but I’m pretty sure that I’m feeling out of resonance today and that I am surely not vibrating at any easy frequency. Even the air, which is ridiculously humid today, feels like a struggle to breath. My laptop decided it didn’t want to turn on and the neighbors are in a snit about how the bushes are being trimmed. And to top it all off, my head feels like a pressurized torture chamber.

Science also talks about entrainment, that bit of physics that is responsible for the phenomenon of women who live together having their menstrual cycles synchronizing or old-fashioned clocks with pendulums swinging in unison. Entrainment is also at work when you feel influenced by the energy (positive or negative) of others.

This isn’t new stuff. But my question is, how do we use this information and move purposefully into a more harmonic rhythm? Because my head is begging me to find the easy vibration today and if hanging out with light, easy people is the way to get there, then sign me up.

What if it really is possible to become more motivated by spending time amongst motivated people? What if the answer to getting healthy is plopping yourself in groups of the healthiest people you can find? What if finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow starts with making friends with the people who make pots?

Take this to a micro, personal level. If we can be attuned enough to recognize our own system that might be out of sorts (such as undigested anger when a headache occurs, or feeling blue when clarity of purpose disappears), then perhaps we could also easily find the remedy by consciously choosing the people, places and activities that we would do at that moment to bring ourselves back into harmony.

If you are experiencing anger, don’t hand out with a bunch of angry folks just because it seems more familiar. Instead, purposefully, set yourself in the midst of people that are light hearted or forgiving or non-judgmental. And rather than thinking of “sucking” their light hearted juice away, concentrate instead on entraining to their vibration. It is most likely really your easiest frequency as well. If you feel stuck, don’t intellectualize it to death, put your body SOMEWHERE, ANYWHERE where the people and the energy are in motion.

And, simply by putting my voice, my presence out there into the waves, via the web, I too feel more connected and in sync with life itself.

The Magic of Allowing

2008-09-05T20:35:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up with a long list of great things to accomplish. I began my day in the normal fashion with a walk, some yoga, some meditation, a shower and some breakfast. After that, it did not go according to plan.

By ten o’clock I was already stuck to my computer, completely absorbed in a game of mahjong, my latest computer solitaire addiction. But today, rather than beat myself up about my lack of imitative, I decided to honor my desire and see why I was so strongly inclined to be playing. I rarely play during the day, and I cannot remember a time that I played so early in the morning, so this was indeed unusual behavior.

I’m not sure how long I played, but I did allow myself compete freedom to play as long as the urge was there. And somehow, I managed to accomplish some tasks that I have been struggling with for months. I finally arrived at an organizational tool that will work for all of the many projects that I have rolling and found a friend to build the shelf to house the system. I found someone that I trust to work on my computer system for an incredibly low cost who will also teach me how to do more of it myself. I solved an issue with my Mom’s estate that has been hanging around for about a year. I processed all of the piles of old papers on my desk. I shopped for groceries and prepared a lovely dinner for a sick neighbor. I signed up for a conference that will assist me with social networking for business purposes. I straightened out a complex mess of a bill with the CPA. I resolved a little problem for Wisdom at Work because the guy that usually does it was out of town. And I learned all about the science of entrainment and resonance.

That sounds like a pretty efficient day to me.

Just imagine how much I could have done with the help of an assistant!

English Lessons

2008-09-05T20:34:00.001-07:00

When I was in Oregon, I visited the largest used bookstore in the world. This multi-level giant building takes up several blocks of downtown Portland and is chock full of every imaginable type of book in the world. They have a separate building for technology related books because they have so many.

While waiting for my son to return from the tech satellite, I began browsing the dictionaries. We had had a discussion the day before about the word cocklebur. He had never heard of it and insisted that it was not a word. It was good that we were not playing scrabble, since indeed it did not appear in any of the dictionaries that we could find. Yet, my Mom had always used this word for the little sticky plant things that get stuck on the legs of your pants and your socks when you walk through certain fields. I was shocked that my son didn’t know this word, since it was literally the only word I knew for the little pesky stickers.

I took this opportunity to check out a few English dictionaries while I waited in the aisles. And what to my wondering eyes did appear…but the term cockle bur for the afore named stickers. I was so encouraged by my discovery that I decided to browse a few more random dictionaries.

Of great interest to me was one that I now wish I had purchased. It was a useful text of different ways to start paragraphs. You see, the inability to start a blog without using the pronoun, “I”, is one of my greatest hindrances to writing. I know that it seems like a weak excuse (and probably is), but I just can’t get my English teacher, Mrs. Murray out of my head these many years later. I am incapable of being comfortable with starting a piece with “I”.

This fine little book had all sorts of great types of beginnings. One was to just pick a noun and run with it. Sort of a word association game. Say, “checkbook”, for instance. Think of all of the interesting blogs a person could write that began, “My checkbook started crying today.” Or perhaps, “The checkbook has wrung dry.” Or, in the style of imagining what you want, rather than what you don’t want, “The banker called today to tell me that my checkbook is full to overflowing and that I will need to open another one just to contain it all.”

That last one would be fiction, of course. But, hey, no one said that a blog was always supposed to be real.

Life Can change on a Dime

2008-08-13T12:05:00.000-07:00

Life can change on a dime. This morning I was dragging myself forward to be productive and get some tasks done. I was dreading a coaching call with a very nice lady because I just didn’t have the energy to solve even one more issue.

Now an hour later, I feel light and excited and actually writing again! Life is incredibly productive at delivering just what you ask for. The trick is being aware enough to realize what you are really asking for and to be trusting enough to receive it no matter what it looks like.

My client has gone through an amazing transformation. She is so full of energy and enthusiasm and grounded clarity that it rubbed off on me. By sharing in her successes and excitement, I taught myself a few things about wonder and gratefulness too.

Just look how productive I’ve been in the past fifteen minutes. After the call, I was able to connect two of my important friends as they pass each other in the middle of the country. I’ve been introduced to a new friend here who is doing some great work with money. My daughter sent me a big email hug. I have a free massage set up for later this week. But most importantly, I FEEL clear and motivated from the inside out.

My intention (and prayer) this morning was one of asking for that juicy divine energy to get me in motion. I have huge dreams and I believe that it is unlikely that any of them will actually manifest if I sit at my computer and play computer games all day long. (If I were inventing computer games this might actually work, but my dreams are NOT in front of my beautiful, kind and dependable computer.)

I managed to keep moving, even with dragging feet, long enough for the prayer to be answered. I still have not accomplished my original “task” of getting the corporate status of Wisdom at Work reinstated, but perhaps the Universe could now be so kind as to send someone to help with the somewhat dry and tasteless endeavor of filling out financial forms and calling the Secretary of State’s office.

Hey, anything is possible!!

Falling Out of Love

2008-07-24T08:57:00.000-07:00

Ah-ha’s are really made up of a lot of little sighs. Sometimes enough of the little sighs back up to each other so fast that they become a breath of fresh air, of lightness of being. I don’t believe that they come from figuring it out, but rather from letting go of the figuring it out.

I had a most amazing moment last night. But before I share the ah-ha moment, let me first warn you that it might not be to your liking and it might not even make sense in the light of day. Yet, I want to see if I can capture a fraction of its essence.

For as long as I can remember I have had a quest to locate the perfect relationship. When I was about three years old, I was already imagining my Prince Charming. I can still see and feel that same fairy tale character when I imagine what I want as an adult who has gone through enough relationships to recognize the difference between reality and fantasy.

Last night might be the first time in my wonderfully long and colorful life that I actually did not want a relationship, with anyone. Let me share how I came to this rather momentous shift.

For the past few years, as I have unwound from the entanglements of a very painful relationship that didn’t work out as I thought it should, I have stretched and searched and explored myself, all in the hope to fix either myself or the situation so that I might attract a better mate. Most recently, I have wanted to attract not just a better one, but also a perfect one.

I managed to create a blueprint of exactly what I wanted in a mate. I have explored the undigested issues inside of me related to my parents and watched my belly get flat again. I have read most of the books about loving yourself and I have learned how to do that. I have cleared my chakras and raised my awareness and found bliss through yoga and meditation and travel.

But last night I was re-reading a book called Love 101 by Peter McWilliams. He was describing the sensation of falling in love as a roller coaster. Since I have been acutely aware of the difference between allowing and contracting sensations in my body recently, I was able to BE with the feeling of being in love.

Now let me explain that when I do fall in love, I tend to stay in that infatuation stage for at least 10 years, or until the dude can’t take any more suffocation/love. I simply can’t get enough of my beloved. This is not a random event; it is a well-repeated pattern. I have always blamed it either on my partner’s shortcomings or my own failures. I have always managed to look for the silver lining of the lesson to take to my next victim/opportunity.

Until last night I had never questioned the system itself. I don’t mean questioning whether monogamy is better than polyamory or if a person is meant to be with another for a lifetime or not. I mean the inherent problem with being in romantic love AT ALL. It is quite simply a Matterhorn of a roller coaster ride.

Last night, I was able to FEEL the high of being in love, of that glorious radiance that happens when you see him across a crowded room, of that sparkle in your heart when he whispers sweet nothings in your ear, in Portuguese. I was also able to FEEL the fear that comes with the knowledge that there will be a reality check in this rosy picture at some point. I always thought that a person could actually maintain that excitement, because I always have. But the reality is that the excitement that I have been feeling in the past was addiction.

Addiction to anything feels awesome when you are high – and awful when you are low. One can never get enough. There is always the feeling of wanting more.

No thanks! I realized last night that I do not have ANY experience with a relationship that is not an addiction. Am I capable? I have no idea, but I know that at this moment I much prefer the steady, always available stream of energy and love that comes from loving myself and the universe around me. The good and the bad, the pain and the highs, the sunny days and the rainy days. The little miracles that surround me whenever I open my eyes and look.

Now as I fly across this sky above Montana and see a most amazing sky streaked with the sun setting to the West, and the land below me settling into the dark of the night, I smile with the wonder that is this world in which we live. I am so grateful to be alive and looking out upon it.

Surprisingly, I have accomplished that. But it certainly doesn’t look like I expected it to. You see the perfect mate is me. I am so incredibly happy with just being myself these days that

Fasten Seat Belts

2008-07-24T08:55:00.000-07:00

The brain reminds me of one of those old fashioned imprint machines where you press the tape between two sides and get raised type. My brain seems imprinted with “Fasten Your Seat Belt While Seated.” You see, I am on the road again and the seat in front of me is all that I can see.

I supposed that I am technically on the air again, but I am flying a boring American airline this time rather than the exotic, and friendly skies of Air New Zealand. I did not stop at the airport and take a photo of the American Airlines sign when I arrived and I am noticing that I tend to fall into a lethargic state of the blah’s when I travel a route that my brain has already determined to be repetitive.

Yet, why is this any less exciting than New Zealand? Sure the people that I have encountered today mostly speak English, but to say that I actually understand them is an exaggeration, at best. If we weren’t packed in this tin box like sardines, I might enjoy the dude next to me as he starts in on how horrible George Bush is or how the “good old boy network” killed the trains in favor of special interest airports.

I am programmed to react negatively to physical discomfort. Somehow I have made this “bad”, rather than letting it just “be”. What if I could just recognize that I am squished and BE with it? I am probably sitting in just about the same shape as when I sit at my desk for hours at a time, yet because I know that I am stuck here for four hours, it becomes worse in my head. The problem isn’t really that I am squished; it is that I have an attitude about being squished.

What if, I could know all of the stories of all of the people squished onto this plane with me? Can you imagine the richness that must reside within this big hollow metal pencil? The dude next to me sells trains! The kid next to him is returning from visiting his mom in Indianapolis and he loves the new Batman movie. The little old Indian couple across the aisle just left a cute little grandson, yet they seem content within themselves as they hold hands and chat quietly. An older man sits a few rows in front of me and all I can see is his white hair blowing in the air-conditioned breeze. But he must have lived a long life full of ups and downs and all arounds.

Earlier a little kid was screaming at the top of her lungs. The girl should become a cheerleader in a few years because she was excruciatingly loud. At first, I constricted inside, thinking how long this flight was going to be with that annoying surrounding sound. Then I decided to practice just being with my annoyance. And it worked. I reached a point where it didn’t matter if she was silent or loud.

Then I could only see the back of her head as she decided to tromp around her seat and start pushing buttons. I mean literal buttons like the call attendant and the on/off switch for the reading light. Immediately my judgment came up and I decided that she must be an out of control brat. She turned around and I saw the most beautiful smile on her little Asian face. I was still dealing with my own critical junk when she reached up and burned her finger on the light bulb. My first reaction was, “Served her right, for being so out of control.”

Then I jumped into being judgmental about my own behavior. What is wrong with me being happy that a cute, happy, curious kid just got hurt? Holy cow, the stuff that goes through these brains of ours. This being aware can be very painful at times.

Being aware also has the great benefit of moving us into the present and then allowing us to move on to the next moment. For those of you that are wondering, I did manage to reach a place of loving compassion for the wild little tyke and she recovered from her oiwee rather quickly as well. I guess we both learned a good lesson today.

Dancing the Waltz vs Ring Around the Rosie

2008-07-18T13:58:00.000-07:00

It is often said that we teach what we need to learn. I’m pretty sure that I also write to figure out what I need to learn. Of course, there are so many things that I need to learn that it is often difficult to pick just one topic to write about at a time.

This week I had dinner with a wonderful man that I was once interested in dating. It doesn’t happen often that I am attracted physically to someone and then truly switch gears into platonic feelings, but that is true in this case. I love his company and we have fabulously rich conversations about life and learning and relationships. He was sharing with me that he thought that models for relationship were seriously limited in this western culture in which we live. When he began to recommend a model of relationship with one man and two bisexual women, I immediately felt my insides tighten up, as I got defensive for the old fashioned version of one man and one woman in a committed relationship for the long haul.

Now this is hardly the first time that I have found myself in the “position” of defending my belief system of what feels right to me. I know intellectually that there is no right and no wrong and I truly could care less what someone else wants for their own sexuality. Yet much of my life I have been made wrong for an apparently unhip preference and a “limited” world view.

Growing up in the free love decade of the 60’s, I was constantly expected to be comfortable walking around without clothes and engaging in wild sexual behaviors – usually with a handy dose of drugs thrown into the mix. While my prep school classmates were marrying the bankers and doctors of small town Alabama, I was traveling the world with a hot, but bad boy muscian. Eventually, I married a guy that said he believed in monogamy, but practiced screwing around. Then I wisely moved up to a guy that at least walked his talk and only cheated with his wandering eyes. Next on my relationship roster came a man who admitted from the beginning that he wanted to be in an open relationship. Because I really cared deeply for this man (and probably for some very complicated reasons that I haven’t digested yet) I spent the next 7 or 8 years contorting my insides to see if I could be “open” enough to suit him.

Obviously, that didn’t work out, since I was not honoring my own guidance system, but I did have some experiences that did serve to open my mind somewhat. I did practice letting go of my idea of perfection and exploring the concept of other models. I did later find myself in a relationship with an open couple for a while and that taught me there really was a difference between sex and love. But it certainly was not fulfilling in any sustainable way and did not provide the depth of intimacy that I wanted.

Now, I find that many of my older girlfriends are proponents of the love’ em and leave ‘em philosophy. Conversations constantly find their way to me about relationships made up of two men and two women who all live happily together. And I have certainly had all kinds of advice about dating more and having more of an open mind about “how things are supposed to be.”

All of that is certainly food for thought, but I think that living with myself is unbelievably challenging. Adding just one other person (no matter what sex the person happened to be) makes life phenomenally different and infinitely more complex. It is like the difference of life before and after having a child. If you do it with integrity and intention, it is a serious undertaking with long reaching consequences.

I believe that relationships offer unimaginable complications and unexpected turns in the road to be traveled. I’m sure that some people are capable of going to the deepest places of vulnerability and love with ALL of creation, but I sure as heck haven’t reached that place yet. Right now I would like to practice that dance with just one other human being (preferably a man, by the way) and see if I can even accomplish that.

I’ve come to realize that I choose to practice depth right now rather than breadth. And hopefully, I can love myself enough with my less than vogue model of relationship so that I don’t feel the constriction of defensiveness or judgment the next time some one wants to tell me all about their newest conquest or the latest trend in possible permutations of relationship options. And maybe…just maybe I can see through my blind spot as to why all of these challenges to a monogamous relationship have followed me throughout my life.

Goldilocks

2008-07-16T11:46:00.000-07:00

As I move through this tunnel of learning to let go of pride, I watch the kaleidoscope of my own crap fly by on either side of me. It is not pleasant and it makes me feel blue sometimes. Yet, it is my reality at the moment and the sooner that I breathe into the acceptance of that, the sooner I will be able to remember the bliss that is there as well.

Now, I’ve gone through the acrobatics of resistance already, many times a moment actually and I know that resistance is not going to bring me to bliss. I imagine that I could return to two more months of New Zealand and retrieve my bliss, but I want to experience bliss without boundaries of circumstance.

I know it exists, this happy for no reason, for I have felt it for many hours, even days at a time. But sometimes it is the hardest challenge of all to have experienced something wonderful without then craving the heck out of it ever after. This is one of my weaknesses in relationships. I crave the yummy feelings that come with having a great time with my partner. Nothing else compares, my brain says, so give me more! NOW!

Well, that doesn’t seem to work too well, since the partner might just like to have a life of his own occasionally (imagine!) and I fall into the loop of demanding ever greater yummy moments from the Universe (and my poor human partner).

When I returned from New Zealand, I felt like I was in a bright bubble of some magic quality. EVERYTHING WORKED for quite awhile. EVERYONE was fabulous and I was filled with love for everyone I met. EVERYTHING I touched turned to gold. Now I would say that this is a pretty darn yummy place to be. And I must admit I am craving to have it back.

And therein lies my problem. I can never have anything BACK. Life goes forward, ever expanding. Life NEVER moves backward. Therefore, neither can I. No matter how much I wish everything was turning to gold again this week; no matter how much I wish my past boyfriend was Prince Charming and was madly in love with me; and no matter how much I wish I had not felt angry after an argument with my brother, that doesn’t make it so. And wishing for the impossible (the past) only makes me constrict, rather than expand.

If I want to move forward just like life is doing then I can imagine what I would like to co-create for the future. I don’t mean getting lost in living there, I just mean taking the time to determine WHAT it is I want in THIS moment. And here comes the tricky part…LETTING GO of it after that and going on to expanding in the next moment. And the one after that, and the one after that.

I am not going to try to figure out HOW to move beyond this pride issue. But I am going to be on the lookout for WHAT I want instead. And sometimes that means simply breathing into the moment and being with life as it moves in and out of me with each breath. And sometimes that is neither too hot, nor too cold, but that is JUST RIGHT.

Humble Pie

2008-07-11T12:16:00.000-07:00

We humans are a strange lot. I guess I should speak for myself, instead of grouping everyone else in with my rather inane behavior. But I am amazed at the muddy water I create in my own reality.

Since New Zealand I seem to be living in a new reality. I have been happy for no reason. I wake up grateful and lighthearted. I am fascinated by the interplay between creative thought and its manifestation. I am even seeing money start to move. This whole new aspect of living has been going on rather consistently since April.

So I must admit, it took me a bit by surprise to remember that I am indeed human, with a shadow and all, with the same character weaknesses that I’ve had since childhood. This week has been a lesson about discerning the difference between defending the shadow and standing for the dream. It can be especially difficult when you are standing in the middle of the street in your own shadow and don’t even see the Mack truck headed your way.

My Mack truck was really only a matchbook size emotional garbage truck, but I am so unused to having conflict in my life now, that I have been stuck on the backwash from the conflict all week. I know that life is chock full of “opportunities for growth” and that we can certainly learn from our mistakes. But there is also the deeper layer of getting stuck in the muck of the lesson itself.

Since I tend to want to analyze everything and figure it all out, I go into thinking mode when life sends me something that rocks me off my center. But instead of noticing it and then moving into the next moment with gratefulness and joy, I pick at it like a kid with an open wound. I talk about it with friends, not really to get them to take sides or validate my opinion, but to hear the story over and over until it has lost its charge and I am thoroughly sick of it. And it is only at this point of letting it go because I am bored with it, that I finally do get the lesson and “figure it out.”

There appears to be a very fine line between what is my shadow and what is my greatest strength. And truthfully, there are many times that I simply can’t tell the difference. So I might be arrogant, when I’m meaning to be helpful. I might be defending a position, when I mean to be standing for who I am. I might be condescending when I mean to be sharing. I am human and make mistakes. And fortunately, some other equally frail human will eventually share that information with me and I can pretend that it is their weakness that is the issue.

The original conflict certainly had information for me, about me. But my handling of my response to it AFTERWARDS has far more value. It has taken me 5 days to get bored with this particular conflict. And yes, I am thrilled that I have so few conflicts that this little one sent me into a tailspin. But I missed my happy, happy juice, as my sister calls my new life.

I missed the juice that comes from connection to source. I missed the flow that I feel when I set my intentions and know that they are received and in alignment with my greatest good. I missed my ability to light up someone’s moment with a smile. I missed that FEELING, that energized, warm, clean sensation deep in my body.

Yesterday, I went to yoga and there in a bridge pose, it came back. And I mean that it RUSHED back in. I could feel the sadness and the resistance released and then suddenly that feeling of Source just filled my body. Being right or wrong, standing for who I am versus correcting my weaknesses, no longer mattered. All that mattered was this FEELING of God’s energy reverberating through my veins.

I believe the lesson is not about whether I am more humble or not, or if I listen better and talk less, or that I am less judgmental of others (and myself). I believe that instead, the lesson is about finding the ALLOWING energy within myself so that I can ALLOW Source to flood my “oh so human” body with that “oh so yummy” feeling every moment to every blessed moment.

Blessed Overwhelm

2008-07-07T10:48:00.001-07:00

One of the problems with being a visionary type person is that you have to deal with not only the abundance of reality, but the abundance of possibilities as well. Sometimes I think I will explode from the inside out with excitement from a multitude of IDEAS.

Ideas, for goodness sake are not even reality yet. In the mind of a visionary, ideas fly through the mind – and heart – at lightening speed. A person could go insane trying to keep up with manifesting all of the ideas that zoom through my brain alone. What about all of the imaginations on the planet? This is clearly not a human scale task.

But I am only human after all and some of these ideas I really do want to bring into fruition. Actually, most of them, but I cannot see big enough at the moment to see how to even tell others about them all, much less build teams, be a great leader and all of the other tasks needed to actually manifest ideas into reality.

I just sat down at my desk to take care of a few chores, like paying bills and answering email. I’m overwhelmed! I opened a reminder email from the Public Library that Paul Hawken’s book, Blessed Unrest, is due back tomorrow. I haven’t finished it and it is FULL of fascinating ideas that get my receptors firing. I want to finish this book and I don’t have time to do it today. I cannot renew it, as it is wildly popular.

I then open a letter from the stack of mail and read a renewal offer from Ode Magazine, which I love. Rather than fill out the renewal form, which would actually require mailing my credit card info, I check out the website. This site is chock full of opportunities and possibilities. That is it’s very design, but it is driving me crazy because I want to do it all!! I want all of these people to know about Wisdom at Work, Sympatico Coaching, the Money book that I’m writing, the conferences that I have cooking, the travel workshops that are percolating, trapeze at the beach, and so much more.

All it would take is for me to start yet another file (think project) with this link. And after I create my Facebook page and my Linked in page and all of the other social network and ecological network and woo woo network pages that I could create, then I can create my link to Ode magazine’s site.

As I learn to dance through this number called life, hopefully with some grace and humor, I hope that I also learn how to manage all of the opportunities inside of my brain. I suppose that it is a high level problem to have too many things that you actually want to do, but it feels just as overwhelming as the list of tasks that I’m not too crazy about.

Some day I’ll find a way to ride the wave and take it moment by moment. In the meantime, I have decided to fill out the paper form for my magazine renewal because it comes with a 2 year option that includes a free gift of, yep, you guessed it, Paul Hawken’s Blessed Unrest.

My Happy Birthday

2008-07-02T19:56:00.001-07:00

In a few hours I will have completed 56 years of living on this planet and I want to take a moment to reflect, but mostly to express my gratitude. If I died at the stroke of 12:02 tomorrow morning (my time of birth), it would have been a life well lived and one that makes me smile at all of the gifts – given and received.

I had the honor of coaching four amazing women in the last two days. Each one has different issues, thought patterns and needs for getting what they want in their lives. Yet the one thing that came up in each case was using the practice of gratitude. It doesn’t matter if the issue is anger or low self-esteem or disappointment, the path to connecting to source, the path to becoming aware can always be reached through gratitude. It is a sure fire way to get the negative thoughts and energy to shut up long enough for you to practice new thoughts that are more in alignment with your potential. And man oh man, do we ALL have huge potential.

As I move through my coaching practice now, I realize how rich it is compared to before I traveled to New Zealand. It is not that I learned a new religion from the Maori people or a secret recipe for success. It is simply that somehow, along the way, I learned to trust. And I learned to receive.

From the depths of me, I completely trust that I AM walking my path. I AM following guidance given from something far bigger than me. I realize now that although the “what” and maybe the “where” are up to me – the HOW is not my job. That belongs to the universe. I just need to be clear about what I want, what I intend and what I am committed to and then LET GO of the “how on earth is it going to happen” part.

This universe is such a loving place and is so anxious to give us infinite abundance, yet we screw around with being resentful and distrustful and demanding. We shut ourselves off from the very things that we long for most. We hide from ourselves, we blame others and we look for fear on every corner. But what I see about the world is that all we need to do, is be honest with ourselves, be brave enough to walk forward on our own path (which we all really do know if we are on or off), and to love ourselves first.

It is actually true that you need to take the oxygen mask for yourself before you help those seated next to you. It really is true that you can give your gifts only when you have given them to yourself first.

I am so grateful for all of the gifts that I have learned to share, for all of the amazing people that have crossed my path, and for the astonishing world in which we live. It is a wonderful time of awakening to be on this planet. I hope that I have another 56 years to be here, but if my body happens to give out before then, I will still be grateful.

I have already received birthday wishes from dear friends and family that I cherish. I got a huge bouquet of fabulous flowers. I have places to go and people to see tomorrow. Yet the best present may be the reminder that I got when I sat down to write this blog.

I just “happened” to glance up at a birthday card from Mercedes Benz. It is a shot of the rear end of a SLK 350 as it is zooming away from the camera. The one part that is in perfect focus is the license tag, which reads,

HAPPY

Birthday

This year, this moment, I finally got what those words are really saying. Like a Silver Anniversary, this is the birthday that I realize that I am truly, deeply and completely happy. I AM happy as I AM, for no good reason, no matter what is going on around me. I AM happy! And I AM so profoundly grateful for that, that I am now going to jump into that cool car and speed away to see what adventure the next year brings. Hope to see you there!

Dating Your Dad

2008-06-26T07:49:00.000-07:00

Those authors that write memoirs have it made. They have plenty of time to review what they have written. They have editors to edit and family to test. Blog writers are throwing themselves out into the world with very little safety net. I suppose there is power in vulnerability and in trusting that your words will be helpful to somebody and will not come back to haunt you.

I am hobbling along on one leg again. I mysteriously injured my foot to the point that it hurts to walk on it; yet I have no idea how this came about. So yesterday, I headed off to my favorite local chiropractor to see what see could tell me about it. Of course, I got a lot more than I bargained for.

During the treatment, as she was gently rubbing my belly, that organ where all of my undigested issues reside, I finally began to see some of the things that I had never processed about my Dad. Even though my Dad and I managed to get much closer in the last few years of his life and had an incredibly sweet moment of his passing, there are many years of grievances that apparently I am still holding on to.

I have always been a very “petite” person, weighing less than 95 pounds for most of my life. Suddenly, in the week that my Dad died, I gained almost 10 pounds, all of it landing in my previously flat belly. At first, I attributed this to all of the southern fried chicken and deviled eggs that kindly friends brought to the funeral. But when after two diligent weeks of fasting and two more weeks of steady working out at the gym, with zero results, I concluded that there must be a different reason. I went to my doctor and took a battery of tests, which determined a few other problems, but uncovered no reason for my sudden weight gain. “Perhaps, it was stress”, the doctor concluded.

Two years and another 15 pounds later I was still clueless…until yesterday’s visit to the chiropractor. When I began to release sobs of sadness at the doctor’s office, she invited me to go home and journal some more. Well, since writing isn’t exactly a hardship for me, I did just that. Five pages worth to be exact.

Five pages of why I was angry with my Dad. How he had embarrassed me my whole life. How he had made a fool out of himself anytime we went out of the house. How I was disappointed in him for not standing up for whom he was. How I was disappointed in his acting like a frail little ego, rather that the smart, handsome man that he was. How I was disappointed that he let his mother walk all over him and that he couldn’t separate his mother from women in general. I was angry that he was never there for us, either physically or emotionally. I was angry that he held all women in contempt and acted like he thought we were stupid – when in fact, he was afraid of us. I was sad that he never respected me for the amazing human being that I am. I was sad that he had never told me that I was beautiful. I resented the fact that he had never said he was sorry for the pain that he caused in our family (even if I know that he never MEANT to hurt anyone).

But what surprised me the most was that as I was spewing all of these feelings out about my Dad, I realized that I felt EXACTLY the same emotions for my most recent ex-boyfriend. If I got stuck in my writing, I could switch from Dad to boyfriend to pull up even more of the stuff that was lodged, undigested in my belly. It was the same holding my breath, waiting for someone that I love to leave. It was the same tension in my belly, waiting for heartbreak to strike. It was the same tightness in my belly, full of embarrassment for someone’s behavior in public.

My life has been a series of rather poor choices in mates. I suppose I was working some things out. Most of the men were utterly the opposite of my Dad. Poor where he was financially rich. Torn jeans and tie-dye where he was ALWAYS a Brooks Brothers man. Rebellious where he was conformist. I recovered from all of these relationships stronger and more confident in myself. Each of their issues are now resolved for me as well and I KNOW that I will never need to deal with those issues again. I know that I am DONE.

That is true for all of the past relationships except the last one. And I have been stuck there for 8 long years, incapable of letting go, of being done, of understanding why I can’t move on. Yesterday, I finally realized why. So much for not dating my Dad.

I don’t honestly know what it will take to digest these emotions. Hopefully, simply recognizing them will put the system into gear. I certainly feel a lot cleaner on the inside now. One thing I know is that I want to leave these burdens behind and fly with the wind. And I’m pretty sure that I will be able to fly better with a flat tummy.

Natural Patterns

2008-06-25T09:04:00.001-07:00

My walk this morning was cool and breezy, just like at the beach. My yoga practice yesterday was all about the breath, in and out like the tides. And the massage therapist at my treat massage closed my ears so that my own breath sounded just like the surf.

I am spending a lot of time these days either in water or thinking about it. We are into our ten millionth day of near 100 degrees, so this is somewhat expected. But what I am finding, or probably remembering, is the utter freedom that came along with water in my childhood. I spent the majority of my summer days as a child either in the water or watching it fall from the sky.

In Texas, we aren’t getting a lot of water falling from the sky these days, but I am finding that I can activate that same place of contentment, sense of relaxation and feeling of abundance by swimming and hearing my breath. And by recognizing the gifts that I receive everyday, just by being alive.

I am reminded this morning of the importance of physically being in sync with the patterns of the earth, balanced as it is between the light of the sun and the pull of the moon. When in New Zealand, I naturally got up at dawn’s light and went to sleep just after the setting sun. I am certain this contributed to my sense of groundedness and contentment. I was surrounded in a feeling of ENOUGH.

We are so blessed with natural abundance on this planet. On the whole we really have been given everything we need for survival, yet many of us never act like we have enough. And many of us are completely out of touch with the very cycles of nature that move us to be who we are.

We strive in our busy workdays to do more, be more, and to have more. Yet, most ignore the very thing that is continually giving more. Mother Nature. Our own balance is built out of the rhythms of the sun and the moon upon the earth. Literally, not metaphorically. We can actually feel the pull of the moon on our emotions, our cycles and our fears. The warmth of the sun nurtures us and feeds us and lifts us out of depression. It’s light allows us to move through our day without bumping into scary things in the dark.

For several months my crazy healer dude had been urging me to eat with the cycles of the earth. At morning, eat things that the light hits first – things that grow on trees, like almonds and apples. Mid day was for those things in the middle, most vegetables and most farm animals. The evening should be reserved for eating things from the ground, like root crops and eggs or for things from deep in the sea. I did notice that when I ate on this schedule, I felt clearer.

Perhaps this awakening to the abundance of the earth and the inner tides of my life, is part of the study of money and prosperity that I have been studying. Perhaps, it is in answer to the question which part of the moon cycle is for reflection and which is traditionally for action. All I do know is that I am enjoying the sense that energy is abundant and that if I align my physical body with that of the earth’s patterns, I am more likely to be able to feel it. And for that I am grateful!

The Challenge of Being the Container

2008-06-23T08:04:00.000-07:00

Most of us are continually asking for a variety of blessings, perhaps more money, a great relationship, a beautiful new home, perfect health, or a tribe of beautiful, loving friends. And amazingly we are “given” a steady stream of astonishing blessings every moment.

It is not a question of how many blessings will be regularly delivered to us, but rather a question of how many can we hold? How big, how flexible is our container?

I have been rather actively studying the concept of money lately, and the ability to have huge financial abundance seems to be directly related to our ability to provide a container for this wealth. If we have narrow minds that think money is evil, then we aren’t going to accept the gift when it arrives. If we haven’t learned how to be “responsible” about knowing how much money we have, how it is being spent or how to avoid immediate gratification, then we will not be able to hold on to it anymore than we can hold onto water through our open fingers. If we think we are unworthy of great riches, then one way or another we will prove ourselves correct. And if we ignore it, because it is too complicated to understand, then it will simply avoid us.

It is the same way with all sorts of blessings. Until a few years ago, I never believed that angels existed. I am still not sure what I would call this/these energies, but there is surely something “out there” giving me huge blessings – that I can see, hear and UNDERSTAND – every day. The “coincidences” are abundant. And I am certainly happy to stretch my belief system to accommodate them.

Yesterday was another blessed day. And I mean, it even felt blessed while it was happening. I have been cooking up the trip to Tuscany lately. A few new friends and a few old friends keep getting added into the picture and it is starting to look like a real probability for a few months next spring. So when I found myself yesterday spending a few hours dining on the covered veranda at an Italian villa (winery) in the Hill Country with two of my favorite people in the world, I wasn’t too surprised. But I was incredibly content. I am stretching my container to hold these “Italian” blessings.

Part of the expanding of the container comes from being grateful. Joy and gratitude are two emotions that create an exchange of energies between our bodies and the universe, between the physical and the spiritual planes. Just imagine that if you were the all powerful universe and some little body down there on earth was asking for blessings. Now clearly you, being all loving and everything, would want to grant this little body every wish that it asked for. But until the body was expanded enough to hold the blessing, it would be a nightmare to receive it. The body would simply POP with the greatness of it all. And until the body was capable of exchanging energy with you, the universe, it could not possibly hold all of the gifts that you have to share.

So as I proceed through my day today, full of it’s “chores” and tasks, I am going to remember that each moment is full of blessings and I am going to do my darndest to recognize all of the blessings and to be thankful as much as possible. I am going to doing my internal yoga stretches so that my container can hold even more of the stuff that I already recognize as YUMMY!

Olympic Training

2008-06-21T11:47:00.000-07:00

Some days writing just flows. Other days it is as slow as leap year. I spend half of the time mistyping and hitting the delete button. This causes high levels of frustration, self-judgment about not being in the flow of creativity and low self worth, as in, “Whom on earth do I think I am to have something to say to others about how to live this complex thing we call a life". Sometimes the thoughts in my head are so jumbled that I start out writing about one thing, only to find that I really want to write about something altogether different. And occasionally the pieces all fit together nicely. Of course, I never know until I start typing which way the fingers will fall.

Well, this week’s Time magazine has an excerpt from a new book called Simplexity by Jeffrey Kluger. It is all about how science is sorting out the confusion between things that seem complex but are really simple and vice versa. One thing I know is that my thought patterns are confused, if not complex and that life is probably much more simple than I allow it to b

It seems that we human beings are obviously living in a physical plane that also has somewhat more subtle spiritual aspects. At various times in history, people might have argued that the spiritual aspect was simply the imagination of a creative brain or the manipulative story of a powerful hierarchy. But in my own life, I have seen things that I simply cannot explain away to coincidence and I have felt the sublime difference between the energy of joy and gratitude versus the energy of frustration and anger.

I clearly am living in a physical body with needs for food and shelter (and therefore money in this culture). Yet I spend much of my focus on the spiritual question of how to live in the duality of a spiritual being in a physical form. Many of the inspirational books available are about bringing people to an awareness of their spiritual aspect. I want to see the guidebook on how to be both physical and spiritual AT THE SAME TIME – ALL OF THE TIME.

Believe me, it is easier said than done. I can easily focus on being spiritual. I love it, in fact. As a kid I worried that I might become a spiritual being before I grew up (as in die before I reached 10 years old). Now that I have clearly grown up, the challenge is no longer how to escape my physicality, but rather how to embrace it with the love of the divine – each and every moment.

I meet a lot of people who want to do good in the world and a lot that are focused on making a million dollars. Yet, there are only a few who seem to have managed to succeed at both AT THE SAME TIME, with the same endeavor. I constantly fight my own doubt as I navigate the path of doing what I love to make money. I am certainly not alone on this broken record. I fight my own judgment when I make choices that are either productive towards my “career” OR healthy for my body. I want to reach the place that I KNOW from deep in my heart that the choices I am making are BOTH positive for my bank account and in alignment with my belief system.

Some days it feels like I am in training for the Olympics. Hopefully, that will be a simple enough goal for this rather complex adventure and I will be able to relax into the amazing journey called a human life.

A Water Cleansing

2008-06-20T08:07:00.000-07:00

Last night I joined “my girls” at Barton Springs for a celebration and a cleansing. Since this insane heat makes me hot and sweaty, a cleansing sounded good. But I didn’t realize how much internal cleansing that I really needed until I jumped into the cool water.

As I started moving my arms, I realized that I was so angry that I needed to HIT something. Water is a perfect place to express one’s need to hit something. It makes a fine sound when you smack it. It offers just enough resistance to feel satisfied that you really hit something, but not enough to get hurt. I didn’t realize just how angry I was until I started hearing myself say, “That a son of a bitch! That SON OF A BITCH!!” over and over in my head as I slammed my fist into the water’s surface.

Today, I allowed myself to write all of the ways that I am angry with this one particular person. I didn’t try to frame the words in any new age proper format. I just let it rip – just like last night in the water. And boy does it feel great!!

Like the air after a big rain, I feel simply clean. And I feel such gratitude and joy for the fact that I can go to these healing waters that bubble up from the earth and express myself. I feel gratitude that I have a group of friends that support me in growing to be the most expansive person that I can be. And I feel especially grateful for the magic that is my life.

Hammock Time

2008-06-18T10:39:00.000-07:00

Don’t you sometimes wonder why, even when you seem to be doing all of the right things, that things don’t go your way? There is such a fine line between being happy and being anything else. I am committed to seeing the day in my life when I am not holding my breath on the days that I am happy, waiting for the other shoe to drop onto my stupidly happy face.

Today is one of the happy ones. I managed a breakthrough in avoiding a headache after tennis. A wonderful friend, who put up my shelves in my office, rescued me from a feng shui disaster. And I shopped at Cosco and Whole Foods yesterday and have a house FULL of yummy food.

I also just took a little quiz in one of the money books that I am reading for research on my book. A person is supposed to discover that they are spending all of their money on material stuff that brings little satisfaction and all of their time on making more of this money to buy more of this stuff. I discovered that I am leading quite a satisfying life and spending my money in exactly the way that leads to my dream life.

The quiz asked you what surprised you in your answers. I was most surprised to discover that I actually LOVE playing Spider Solitaire. As you might recall, I have given up this addiction until July 3^rd, just because I hate letting addictions rule my life. So after I conquer the addiction part, I suppose that I will devise a scheme to structure a way to play this game without it ruling my life.

I was also a bit surprised to see how I think about my “job”. It seems that I never quite think of myself as having a job. Even when I actually went to a nine to five variety, I FELT like I was pretending somehow that it was a “real” job. This is interesting and worthy of further exploration.

All in all, I was quite smugly satisfied with my results to the quiz. Yes, I would like to create more money for more travel and more learning opportunities…and maybe for a little more stuff, but generally if I died tomorrow, I would be content with my life. EXCEPT for one major area!

The one thing that I cannot even imagine a way that money could buy is that of attracting a great relationship. I know that really great things come to those who wait. I know that lovely seeds need time to grow into their fullness. I know that one’s thoughts create one’s reality, which means I damn well better have some faith in this project or it will be forever caught up in searching and hoping. I know that I can have a joyful life all on my own and that focusing on the beauty of the everyday makes everyday count.

Yet, my personal truth at the moment is that I sure as heck wish it were time for the acorn to finally be an oak tree. I have a lot to give and time’s a waistin’. I’ve been watering and fertilizing and nurturing and now I would sure like some shade to wrap around me, some nuts to add to my salad and some cool relaxation time in the hammock.

Beethoven and the IRS

2008-06-16T09:36:00.001-07:00

Friday afternoon I came home to a notice from the United States Postal Service of a certified letter waiting for me from the IRS. A few years ago, this would have brought the fear of catastrophe down on me. This weekend, it was only a minor blimp in my consciousness.

It did create enough of a wave in my gut that I committed to deal with the issue today. So early this morning I headed off to the Post Office to pick up my scary letter. Fortunately, the line was short and the teller and I joked about the fright of receiving a letter from the big, bag meanies in the IRS.

Once back at home, I pulled out all of my past correspondence and it simply didn’t make any sense. I had responded back in January to a revised 2006 amount, as they had requested at that time. Now they were saying that they received my payment, but wanted more. Hungry meanies, they are.

This meant I had to CALL them!! Oh no, this can be a fate worse than death. And now my consciousness was definitely picking up more serious interferences to harmony.

The first time I called, the line went dead. Was this a sign that I should go play Spider Solitaire (my favorite addiction which I have given up for a month)? No, I was committed, so I dialed again. This time I got the lovely recorded voice on the other end. She proceeded to tell me EVERYTHING about the refund checks, about how to sign your returns, about the history of the IRS, basically about everything EXCEPT how to talk to a live person.

I tried all of the tricks that I knew to break through the cycle of pre-recorded messages. Nothing worked. Finally, I hit the right combination of “Do not understand your statement” and “That is an invalid entry” responses and got to the recording that asked me to wait.

By this time it has already been almost 10 minutes (I’m watching the clock) and my blood pressure was not in the “create peace and harmony” range. I watched the clock for the next 25 minutes while I listened to Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony build repeatedly to its crashing crescendo. My attitude was getting hotter and hotter.

Now, keep in mind, that because I am such an “enlightened” person, I am saying to myself all of this time, to breathe, to envision what I want to have happen, to stay calm. What I really wanted to do was throw the damn phone into the wall and pitch a temper tantrum. Imagine what the unenlightened person might want to do??

The good news is that I decided it was too much work to repair the wall if I made a hole in it and managed to be relatively calm when the nice Mr. Sorenson finally came on the line. He couldn’t make any sense of my issue either, but he decided to just make it all go away. He changed the numbers back to the original ones and I was all paid up, in full, finis. I didn’t need to do ANYTHING further. He closed my file!

Now that I CAN breath again, I wish I had remembered to ask him who was in charge of that God-awful music.

Dolphin Magic

2008-06-12T08:10:00.000-07:00

I have just returned from five sun-kissed days at the beach and find myself buried under doubts and tasks. I miss the air and the waves and the views. I also miss the feeling of being blessed. At the beach, I stayed in a beautiful 7^th floor condo with stunning views of both the bay and the ocean. I ate in cute beachfront cafés where ideas flourished and connections appeared like magic. I shopped in sweet little stores where I bought perfect cottage gifts for my house and a cool dolphin hat to remind me to play. I visited stunning real estate and lived the life of possibilities.

And then I came home! To reality, which in this case was a headache, blistering hot weather, friends with problems and an office full of work. So now that the headache has passed, I have started the internal work that allows me to do the external work of getting into action. I KNOW that my dreams cannot become real without some action on my part. But how do I get moving when inside I feel like a pile of heavy rocks?

Why going to my “magic” cards, of course. Some people meditate and get guidance that way. I use my five different decks of inspirational cards to realize my connection to something bigger than myself. Today, I asked for help in finding the energy to get back into the stream of light and connection. And oh boy, did those cards deliver!

From the first deck came the card, “New Beginnings” which pointed out that the angels were surrounding me with loving energy and that they would be happy to boost my confidence and energy. The card from the next deck was “nurture”. This card was telling me that it was time to play, be silly and carefree and to nurture my inner child. Then came the card that explained that what I FEEL is an indication of what I am allowing vs. what I am resisting.

I love all of my decks but the last two always offer connections and explanations of what the first ones meant. The first of these is the Crystal Ally Cards. Yesterday, I drew “Manifestation” and since yesterday didn’t feel like I had manifested anything but negativity, I decided to study that reading again. It explained how creating our desires is a multi-part system. First, we create the energetic blueprint of what we want. Then we move into action to create the physical form of our desires.

Sometimes we spend a lot of time in action creating things that are ego-based. This is only going to create more blocks and the feeling of separation and unhappiness. So since yesterday certainly felt unhappy, I decided to dig into what my blocks might be. And, possibly not very surprising, I realized that I have a block of some sort related to my Mom (who lived in an expensive condo at the beach), excessively wealthy people and the beach.

By staying at the beach this past week (for free) I had brought up not only my deep desires to live at the beach, but also my deep fears about myself. My fears about getting something for nothing and being discovered as an outsider slapped me in the gut. My fears about having been given great gifts and ending up broke popped up like those inflatable toys that you hit and they keep coming back up. My insecurities about personally being capable of creating great wealth and about not fitting in with the super wealthy were running painfully loud and clear.

After a bit of work on this process, it was time to draw from the Crystal Alley deck for today’s card. It was ACTION! This card reminded me to get into action, for the greater good!

Inspiration is the key for creation, but it will get you nowhere if you do not act upon the guidance. This card also promised more physical vitality and energy to get into action. The affirmation was, “I am willing to create my reality.”

So, by this time in this meditation process, I am starting to feel my energy rising and almost ready to get into action, because I really did like that reality of creating my life from the beach. But I had one more card to meditate upon.

This deck is from New Zealand and it is always incredibly powerful for me. I love how these cards describe the animal of plant itself, in the physical plane, and then suggest the message on a spiritual plane.

Yesterday’s card from this deck also demanded a bit of re-study. It was Octopus, which is all about the stories that we get stuck on in our mind and how the way out of victimhood is forgiveness. The gift of Octopus is to face your deepest fears, to call forth the fear that is your source of doubt. Naturally, since I was already on a roll with the self-reflective stuff, this brought up even more fears about being alone, about there being no power stronger than me, about loosing control over my life and about being a victim to the shifting tides.

I don’t know yet how many times the Universe will have to show me that there is indeed something happening here beyond just me, but once again, that loving reminder was sent and received.

The card for today was Dolphin – Joy!! This reminder was all about letting the inner child teach us to laugh in our situations and find joy in the circle of our lives, to enjoy the wonder of change and to shift into the realm that honors our dreams. To see the wider world and travel its promise.

“So breathe and prepare to plunge in. Go ride the waves, sing to the sky and greet the world with a smile.

“Think less and be more; enjoy the realms of fun.

Set free the child within, to dance in waves and sun.”

Works for me! And I'll wear my new Dolphin cap to remind myself to do just that.

Standing for Myself

2008-06-05T08:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I fired my crazy healer dude. I will miss his adjustments and acupuncture and insights, but I realized that there is a better path for my healthcare out there. My crazy healer dude did me a huge service though, when he became attached to an idea about my healing that did not ring true for me.

As I embark on offering coaching again, it is so important to realize that it is not about my coaching, but rather about being in service. Any client, myself included should ALWAYS check with their own internal system to see if the information reasonates. Sometimes we fight information, but we still know in our gut that it is on track. Often we are afraid to admit truth to ourselves, yet that inkling indicates that it is accurate. But when something just seems off track, we also know that in our gut and we owe it to ourselves to speak up.

Sometimes while coaching, I see things that are accurate, but they may not be in a form that the client can hear or understand. It is my job to say what I see, but in a way that the person can use. It is never about me being right or about how incredibly insightful I am.

I know that often I will share an insight or feedback with a client that is only the seed for them of work to come. We humans take multiple repetitions for thoughts to sink in, so this seed might take years to sprout, long past the time that they have coached with me.

My deepest intention is to share these thoughts with love and compassion and leave the rest up to the client and the Universe.

Shake and Bake

2008-06-02T12:36:00.000-07:00

When I resigned from my job last July, my intentions were to relax and live. Live as in be alive and feel the wonder of nature and friendships and discovery. My belief was that traveling for a year would accomplish that. So I proceeded to take care of health issues and house details so that I could travel for a long period of time. The plan was to go to New Zealand for two months, then return home for a bit and then head to Italy for a few months.

Yet, when I returned from New Zealand, I knew that so much had changed inside of me that I needed time to integrate before I went away again. The ways that this integration is showing up continue to astonish me and fill me with gratitude. It appears that my operating system has fundamentally shifted.

This weekend I volunteered at the World Wellness Weekend, a big trade show with well-known authors and speakers. I have done many of these trade shows in the past and generally they are exhausting with moments of inspiration mixed with the bullshit meter screaming.

This year was a different experience for me. Yes, I was tired after 10 hours of standing on my feet, but I genuinely had a fun time. I ran into LOTS of old friends, had a chance to offer some good, solid coaching, and got to hear one very good speaker and the dynamite music of Michael Franti. I also managed to make some great connections for creating the Money Conference that I am cooking.

The universe is so utterly clever that I spend much of my time these days smiling at the creativity. I had been brainstorming with my daughter, new ways to get to dance, since my old options for that had recently closed. But when I arrived to volunteer in a friend’s booth at the World Wellness Weekend and read the schedule, I found that Body Choir, an ecstatic dance opportunity was happening just that morning. So I got my dance from a very unexpected source.

My son, who lives in Oregon, called last week after a great concert that he attended. He was urging me to go see Michael Franti, if he EVER showed up in this area. Again when I arrived at the wellness event and read the schedule, I found that “what to my wondering eyes should appear”… but Michael Franti!! (Who was fabulous, by the way!)

Then last night as I was waiting for the concert to begin, I found that a speaker was the “opening act”. It turned out that the speaker was Marci Shimoff, whose book is on the NY Times Best Seller List. She was speaking about “Happiness for No Good Reason.”

She was funny and entertaining and kept the audience fully engaged with exercises and demonstrations. But one thing that really struck home for me was her list of four things that help a person be happy for no reason. The first three were things that I had been doing for years, but the fourth looked like it was in blinking lights to me. It was live your life with “No tension.”

“No tension” is what I learned in New Zealand! It is not the same as having no problems or no questions. But it is this sublime sense of letting the energy flow through you, going where it will and always for the greater good. Not because you tell it to be for the greater good, but because that is simply what the nature of energy is. Once we relax and get out of the way, that divine energy of light and love (no matter how hokey that sounds) takes over.

And this is what I have been experiencing since my return from New Zealand. By staying in that culture long enough that “no tension” became a habit, I am now moving through life here (being in action, paying the bills, dealing with disagreements) with no tension. And I am manifesting like crazy.

It might be more appropriate to say that something bigger than me is doing the manifesting, but I am like the little kid in the “Shake and Bake” commercial, who said, “It’s Shake and Bake and, I helped.”

Juicy Peaches

2008-05-28T08:06:00.000-07:00

Memorial Day isn’t typically one of my favorite holidays, perhaps because I am not a flag-waving type of patriot. Since I was born after WW II, I have been quite opposed to every war in which my country has been involved. It’s not that I don’t respect these men and women for risking their lives for something in which they believed, but I’ve always wondered why they weren’t questioning if they should be supporting such efforts in the first place.

So normally I avoid the crowds, but this year I went to Fredericksburg, a small town in the Texas Hill Country, where they sell PEACHES!! My daughter and I set out for the leisurely two-hour drive, stopping along the way at points of interest. This was my first road trip since New Zealand and I had a fabulous time, just puttering along learning what there was to discover.

It was really one of those perfect days. The weather was hot but there was plenty of shade and lovely breezes. The food was delicious, the restaurant pleasing. The shopping was just right with a few yummy purchases. The conversations were deep and light at the same time with just the perfect combination of give and take. In other words, I had FUN!!

I don’t know why fun is so limited. But I do know that when it shows up, I relish the experience. It is like that deep belly laugh that involves your whole body and leaves you feeling absolutely complete. I also know that I really enjoy being in vacation mode where everything is a relaxed adventure.

Intellectually, I realize that the world has some very serious issues. But I am also reminded that it is also full of joy and beauty. Perhaps we can do much good for our troubled world by focusing on the things that make us profoundly happy at least as much as we focus on those things that need serious attention.

Algebraic Manifestation

2008-05-27T07:35:00.000-07:00

Manifesting desirable thoughts is an art. There are, after all, quite a few thoughts flying through my rather active brain every millisecond. Yet there is also a science to this manifesting stuff too.

I tend to think that if I have a positive thought that I should see immediate positive results. Sometimes it does actually happen that way. But for the bigger requests, like life long dreams or making the world a better place tend to take a little longer. That means that while the little acorn is growing into a seedling and then eventually into the giant oak tree that I have wanted all my life, that I will need to have some patience.

Yikes! Patience! All of my friends know that this isn’t exactly my strong point, but how can an acorn grow into a full grown oak tree without water and sunlight and nutrients – OVER A LONG PERIOD OF TIME? Only in the movies. I want a real oak tree, with roots and a big trunk and a multitude of glorious leaves providing sweet shade (it’s hot here in Austin) and eventually more seeds. I don't want the cardboard version from the movies.

When I was in high school, I learned Algebra and geometry from Col. Quimby, an incredibly boring but astonishingly thorough teacher. I learned that if you know the formula and you follow the steps, you will get consistent results. EVERY TIME. The Colonel would go through every single step in every single problem, until I thought I would pull my hair out. You see, I thought I knew the answer long before he finished the last bit of the long division part of the equation. Usually I was right, but he ALWAYS got the correct answer. Math is consistent, and once in the rythym, always provides consistent results.

The formula for manifesting is widely available. We simply have to go through it step by step and patiently await the results.

Imperfection Rocks

2008-05-24T16:16:00.000-07:00

Sometimes there are so many things that I want to say, that I end up saying a bunch of mish mash which makes no sense to anyone. Sometimes I not only write like that but I live like that too. There are so many thoughts flying through my head that neither the universe nor I can make a lick of sense out it. WHAT IS IT that I’m asking for? WHAT IS IT that I really want?

The past few days I have been stuck in a miasma of gunky thoughts. Lots of little bursts of light with long periods of low motivation. It has been a few days of poor eating habits, no exercise, no focus and general boredom. It feels like the headache without the pain.

I suppose managing to drop the pain from my creation toolbox is a damn fine step, but I’m not real happy with the lack of motivation either. I know that it is ALL in my head. SO how does a person move from this feeling of stuckness to one of racecar accomplishment?

Allowing. Yes, allowing myself to be human. Allowing the slow, seemingly useless time to flow. Allowing myself to NOT KNOW anything, to NOT be inspiring to anyone, to NOT shine everywhere I go; in other words to NOT BE PERFECT!!

I realize that my thoughts do create my reality. I’ve seen so much evidence of this that it is no longer a question for me. That particular idea no longer even requires faith. Yet, in my awareness, I get latched on to the idea that I am screwing up if I don’t create fantastic thoughts ALL of the time. What I am realizing today is that fortunately there is still an intelligence greater than myself and IT has the wisdom to see that my pee pickin’ little brain isn’t smart enough to ALWAYS think in my own best interest. My unique brain certainly doesn’t have the capacity to ALWAYS think for the greater good for ALL of humanity either.

It is more than ok to be NOT PEFECT in this manifestation game. Part of life is realizing that to be human IS to make mistakes, to not know answers, to just BE rather than always being productive. When I get into beating myself up mode for not creating astonishing “results”, I am also not honoring my human-ness. I am not appreciating the wonder of all that my creator saw when he/she/it created me.

When I allow life to be what it is, myself to be myself in the moment, I actually open the channels for more flow and divine energy. It really doesn’t matter in the big picture of things if I get a certain file sorted or a particular task completed. But what does matter is my attitude toward any of it. When I make myself wrong, I am making the divine intelligence wrong too. Doesn’t seem like a very good idea, considering….

The Little Train That DID

2008-05-22T08:01:00.000-07:00

The words of the sages often tell us that we need to love our whole selves. The light and the dark. Well, this has always scared me a bit. I don’t necessarily like to look at the dark side; what if I’m a closet thief or secretly want to blow up buildings?

I knew that going to New Zealand was a bit of exposing my deepest self to my outside self. Thank goodness, I didn’t really locate any evil parts waiting to terrorize the world. What I did find was a willingness to see the wholeness of me, without making a big deal out of it.

When it was time to come home, I kept saying that it was time to integrate all that I have learned. I doubt that I really knew what that meant, but I am certainly learning as the weeks go by. As I explore the things that work and the things that do not work in my life, WITH AN OPEN HEART, I am finding that it isn’t so scary after all.

Sometimes it is as simple as noticing the self-talk and how often this voice leads me away from those things that I desire most. Last night I had the wonderful opportunity to join a group of ladies who have been meeting once a month for years to play bunco. The silly dice game did manage to bring up a few of my competitive traits and my frustration at loosing, yet it also showed me that IT IS JUST A GAME.

As the evening gaming was winding down and we distributed the appropriate prizes for most wins and biggest looser (that was me!), the chitchat grew in volume. Since I didn’t share the same history and opportunity for stories, I had the freedom to just listen.

As often happens in a group of women, the subject of loosing weight came up. And the negative self-talk, which was then reinforced by the community of friends’ agreement, startled me. This was a very typical conversation, that I have heard a million times before, yet last night it was like watching a documentary of how NOT to get to your goals and dreams.

Comments were flying around the room such as, “I really want to loose weight, but I have never been able to loose at all. It just doesn’t ever happen for me.” Or, “Women of a certain age can’t loose weight.”

I realized that we often don’t have the skills or practices to move our thoughts into patterns that help us get TO our dreams. ANYTHING is possible if we set our minds to it! Certainly loosing weight is technically a possibility for anyone that is alive. It is the mindset that makes the dream come true.

Bringing the light of awareness to the mindset is a great first step. By realizing that the defeatist self-talk (shadow) even exists, is the beginning of integrating the whole. And by transforming the “dark” self-talk into positive (light) self-talk is also going to significantly increase our chances for success in any area of our lives.

The Little Train That Could taught us this lesson in our childhood with his, “I think I can, I think I can.” Yet, I would suggest that his task would have been a whole lot easier, with no indecision to weigh him down, had he said instead, “I KNOW I can, I KNOW I can.”

Touched by Eternity

2008-05-20T08:51:00.000-07:00

My older friend Cyril went tramping the Abel Tasman Great Walk with me. He had lived in New Zealand his whole life and done most of the “Great Walks”, yet had not yet been to this beautiful area of his country. He had a slow, steady pace and managed the trail far better than I did. Yet, I also noticed that my pace was naturally faster than his and that I had to take far more breaks than my walking partner.

I also noticed on that long, long walk that when I first started out, the hills were excruciating. My muscles screamed and by back revolted. Yet, after a few moments of movement, they started to relax and get power to make the climb. I also learned to take rest in those parts of the trail that were level and where I could actually let my legs stretch and move and that I was less tired if I walked my own pace rather than worrying about the story of the turtle and the hare.

Life is a bit like that walk. Sometimes the hill seems overly steep and that I will not be able to make the climb, yet one foot in front of another always gets me further along the path that I have chosen to travel.

Since my journeys are both internal and external, I can use all the help navigating that I can get. I am continually amazed and grateful that whatever the source of this help is, it continues to make itself so obvious. I am filled with a sense of purpose that feels stronger and more complete than anything I have ever felt before. I also feel a trust that is far greater than what I thought was trust before.

There are certain times that we experience a “knowing”. I always KNEW that I would have a little girl. I got the incredible gift of my son first and then waited through 7 years before she was ready to arrive. I KNEW that Camp Camelot would happen when I started down the path of that creation. I worked very hard in the physical and spiritual planes, but it happened. I KNEW that I would travel to New Zealand and I waited until the timing was obviously right.

I don’t know HOW my journey will unfold and for some great reason, I seem to be allowing that to unfold as it will. Just like on the Abel Tasman Tramp, I did not know what the next curve or hill would bring, but it always brought me closer to my goal and was usually something incredibly beautiful along the way.

As I drew my wisdom card for this morning, I was given yet another touching gift. I am quoting part of the passage here, because I simply cannot paraphrase something so beautiful.

The Card: The Southern Cross, Wisdom of the Four Winds Cards, by Barry Brailsford

The Gift: “To be brought into the realm of the stars, and have the Southern Cross shine on your journey, is truly wonderful. In this realm of the North Wind, the place of deepest wisdom, you are invited to reach out to the stars. If you wish to step into the unknown, to explore the deeper realms of the spirit, to venture within, the light of the Southern Cross shines upon your trail.

This moment assures you guidance is always there. No matter how dark the night, how fierce the storm-winds that gather on troubled waters or shroud the valleys, you have the promise of the return of the stars.

Like the navigators of old, you are free to explore the wider world. This is a time of reassurance and certainty, for the stars open the way to the unknown. Some will journey within, questioning the truths too long hidden in the shadows; others will travel outward to step beyond as they follow their excitement.

We are born of the stars, but sometimes forget the wisdom and power they gift to us. Reclaim the light that strides the heavens, make it your own and dance to its song. Wherever this path leads, you will find great joy and learning in the journey. Travel well.”

We are indeed touched by eternity every day. May the stars in your skies lead the way for you today.

The Power of the Placebo

2008-05-19T07:10:00.000-07:00

In one episode of the TV show, MASH, the doctors run out of morphine. They still have many severely wounded soldiers and need to come up with some way to help the guys survive the pain through the night. After much hilarity, they come up with the plan of using a placebo and banking on their ability to convince the soldiers that the sugar pills were the best morphine in the world. The ruse worked and all of the soldiers relaxed and had peace.

I regularly read ODE magazine, which is full of inspiring stories of people working to make the world a better, more humane place. I am frequently in awe of the commitment and creativity of the human race. There was recently an article about a school class that committed itself to lowering their own carbon footprint. The article was useful in adding tips for how the rest of us might do the same.

I have also been reading Wayne Dyer’s book on intention. He is suggesting that when we raise our own personal consciousness to higher levels of compassion, honor and kindness, that it also raises the level for the planet as a whole. That it touches people we do not know or see in a physical sense.

And then I heard a man on a radio tribute to Bob Dylan. I do not even know who this man was, but he was taking about how Dylan touched the collective unconscious of America with his songs. But the man was apologizing for using such “psychological rubbish” in his praise of Dylan.

I also had dinner with friends recently and they were telling me some startling statistics about the belief systems of many Americans. According to a report that they had heard, more than half of us do not believe in evolution. Most Americans are afraid of electing a president who is smarter than them. And most would still like to be told what to do by a benevolent leader rather than reason a creative solution for themselves. This made me very sad, assuming it is accurate.

Yet, I have seen evidence of positive impacts just by changing thought patterns. Placebos can work if the person believes. The kids in that school class believe that they are making a positive impact – and they are, because now I am following their lead. Will their action save the planet from global warming in and of itself? Of course not, but their beliefs and actions raise the vibrations of those who hear about their commitment and eventually we reach a tipping point.

Those folks in America who are unwilling to step out with their own leadership are standing for something too. They believe that they are taking care of their families or that they are doing what the parents taught them was the moral way to live. I want to honor them as well, for their beliefs, even though I certainly don’t agree with the thinking.

Hopefully, by adding honor to the vibration of the planet today, in my own small way, I can raise the consciousness of the whole. And even if it is a placebo, it just might work.

Brick Wall of Money

2008-05-16T08:42:00.001-07:00

Sometimes it is good to hide away from all of your friends for deep introspection, and sometimes those friends can give you the little nudge that you need to see the very thing that you were introspecting about. I haven’t seen much of my friends since I returned, so it is still a bit special to spend time with them. But yesterday, a good friend told me I was whining.

She was right, of course, but it still hurt. After all, aren’t I entitled to a little bit of whining? I haven’t had anything to complain about in such a long time, aren’t I do a few whining credits? I imagine that I could whine all day long and someone would listen, but it certainly wouldn’t move me one iota closer to my dreams or to a happier life, so why bother.

As I move back into the “need” to create cash flow, I seem to be hitting a big brick wall. I’ve actually had plenty of opportunities show up, but I have felt internal resistance to all of them. I also get the sense that there are too many options and that feels confusing.

One of my intentions is to create conferences that raise awareness and are a lot of fun to attend. I envision one on Money – our fears, our competition, our jealousy, our greed, and our obsessions about it. Consequently, I have been studying what others say about money, mostly from spiritual writers.

Wayne Dyer suggests playing the Match Game, matching your inner thoughts to what you intend to create. So instead of saying what you don’t have, “I don’t have enough money.” Instead say, “I intend to attract unlimited abundance into my life.”

Esther and Jerry Hicks say that if “people are not receiving what they are asking for, it can only be that…they are out of alignment with their own requests.”

Peter McWilliams invites us to think of making money as a game rather than a war. He says, “Those who view getting money as a struggle or a battle often involve themselves not so much in winning but in – at all costs-not losing.” He also describes a game as not just fun, but also intriguing, challenging, exciting, expanding and requiring skill, focus and creativity.

McWilliams also talks about skipping the middleman. What if there are other ways to get what you want rather than with money. Sometimes what we want is peace of mind, security, freedom or acceptance. We might think that the way to these feelings is through money, but there might also be other ways to play on a yacht (find a friend who has one), to become famous (start a non-profit), or to feel relaxed (move to the country, or to New Zealand). The point is to open the mind and explore the other ways to achieve the desire, rather than paying for it with money.

Reverend Ike says “Money is God in action”.

Lynn Twist in her Soul of Money workshops talks about the concept of “enough”.

So as I move through my day today, I am committed to an open heart about HOW the money will show up for me and instead focus on gratitude for the lovely day and how much I appreciate friends that give me a little kick in the butt occasionally.

I am also grateful for the card that I drew this morning from Peter Karsten, a New Zealand writer (and yes, I did acquire some new cards in New Zealand).

Stop banging your head

against the wall,

Try walking around it.

Connecting the Dots

2008-05-14T08:57:00.001-07:00

Many workshop presenters and authors working on a book refuse to read anything written by others. I guess they want to be sure that what they write is original, and not plagiarized. Yet, I am discovering that all the stuff that I read is opening my heart to share and to connect the dots.

Perhaps, no one has an original thought anyway. They all come from the same source in the beginning. Since God, the Universe, the Divine, the Force (whatever name you call it) only takes on human form through us humans, then I must read works from human authors to hear the concepts through words. And since language is a fine form of communicating, words are very important to me.

People seem to need the words repeated about 100 times to have them stick anyway. How many times has the word “surrender” been suggested to me as a useful condition? At least, enough that now I recognize it. Or what about wise sayings about the value of gratefulness? But do I always do these things? Obviously not. Apparently I can use all the reminders that I can get.

So on days that I believe that I “should” come up with some brilliant bit of wisdom that has not been stated before, I usually get the wake up call of a brick wall. I suppose the wake up call actually starts with something much softer than that, like a fog gently wrapped around my brain keeping it from firing properly.

But on days when I realize that the words are not coming from me anyway, that I really am in the flow, that it is all about offering a service, not being a celebrity, then magic happens. It is fun, it is brilliant and it is useful. And if I use words that someone else introduced to me, perhaps I am introducing them to someone else. All that really matters is that the words get circulated and that people can hear them in the form that sings to their own hearts.

Bump in the Road

2008-05-14T08:39:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the first time since I have returned that I had a day full of weird, non-flowing energy. It began when I had a very difficult time writing my blog. It wanted to be about me, me, and me. It kept writing stuff about me that had no value to anyone and I kept deleting it. My headache returned in full measure. My lunch appointment forgot about me and arrived very, very late. My car battery went flat (dead) after lunch and I had to take care of that. The people at the Firestone place were “out to lunch” and I simply couldn’t connect with them no matter how hard I tried. Then they charged me an arm and a leg. My friend called and had resigned his job. On my afternoon walk, a neighbor lost her dog and we spent a long, hot time looking for the little rascal, who it turned out was waiting at home for us.

My best guess is that this disturbed energy had to do with the fact that I was thinking about what I “had to do” to bring in money. The quality of how I was thinking about that was tighter and tinged with worry.

I believe that it is important to remember that the “how” we achieve our dreams is not necessarily up to us. Of course, we set things in motion and take action, yet that is where our responsibility ends. The moment that we feel like we need to control the way something is unfolding, then we have taken a wrong turn. The second that we have an outcome that we are attached to, then we have taken a wrong turn.

Turning around isn’t hard, but it might take time. And there might be much to learn and see while we are “lost”. I took a “wrong” turn while driving in New Zealand on my longest day of driving for the whole trip. I had visited the Kauri museum and got overwhelmed by the “stuck” energy of a museum full of useless old stuff. My wrong turn took me down a beautiful dirt road with incredible scenery that I would never have seen otherwise. It also taught me patience and that I would get where I was going if I just kept moving toward my goal. I did arrive several hours later than planned, but that meant that I missed the huge storm that moved through ahead of me, knocking down trees and loosening roof shingles.

Since I am an astrological Cancer, who loves home, I knew that my funky day yesterday would shift if I could get into my shell and hide out for a while. This might sound like a cowardly thing to do, but for me it is the natural thing to do. When I am alone and quiet, I can hear guidance; I can feel my heart’s desires; I can see what action to do next.

I realized that the moment that I refocus my energy onto my path and purpose, the way opens up again. My job (as in task, responsibility, assignment) is to walk that path, not to create and maintain the path. That is the universe’s job, which so far, it seems to be doing quite well.

The Purpose Path

2008-05-13T09:45:00.000-07:00

I love my life at the moment, in spite of a headache that is going on Day 3 and apparently running for some kind of record. So I’ve decided to partner with the headache and see what happens. Perhaps this is part of my “Suffering is Optional” motto.

Even though I have been back in the country more than two weeks now, I am finding life is still a journey of discovery every day. Many of us have an idea cemented in our brains that we have to work very hard to achieve our dreams. Yet, what I am finding is that perhaps one of the ‘secrets” to a happy life, is simply to follow the path (i.e. Yellow brick road?) and see what shows up.

Once the road is determined, the journey is much simpler. What once felt like struggle, now unfolds with amazing grace and ease. The icing on the cake is that I am also astonishingly productive and creating results.

Yesterday, I spent a bit of my day building a business plan a’ la the Conscious Capitalism model from John Mackey of Whole Foods Market. In this model, Mackey asks what is the PURPOSE of your business. Doctors are there to heal people, teachers to teach people. What is my PURPOSE? What am I here to do?

The word next showed up in a book about creating wealth that I “happened” to pick up after I got home last night. I opened it right to the chapter on how to determine your PURPOSE, complete with index card exercises. The useful part of this was the explanation that your purpose is the part that sticks with you your whole life. It is the same in all areas of your life – career, relationships, talents, etc. You may have goals and desires along the way, but they will always fall inside of this purpose. The goals and dreams get manifested and new desires show up, but the PURPOSE continues.

Of course, the word showed up again, in glowing brilliance this morning when I pulled angel cards. TWICE! The cards were very specific, “Your life PURPOSE is that of counselor.” I love how I get such clear answers. And I really LOVE assisting other people in getting them as well. (My early child hood friends might say that I like telling people what to do, so hopefully, the journey has taught me the difference between sharing my advice and being in service.)

Just like in New Zealand where I would determine the direction that I was traveling and then simply set off to see what showed up, now that I know the direction I can simply travel along it trusting that I am in alignment with my own heart. And there is where the manifesting starts, because being in alignment with your purpose and your heart is where energy can fly. This is where the “universe” can answer your prayers without struggle and where magic happens.

Secret to the Maze

2008-05-12T08:54:00.000-07:00

In Wanaka, New Zealand there is an “amusement park” called Stuart Landsborough’s Puzzling World. It is basically a big building full of illusions and challenges for the mind. In one room, the holographic images of famous people follow you across the room. In another, water goes uphill and you CANNOT determine which way is up and which is down. Outside is a large maze with stairs and towers and plenty of wrong turns.

I used to get claustrophobic in mazes until someone told me the key to getting out. For in a maze, it is only an illusion that you cannot get out or that everything is not really ok. How much of life is the same way?

If someone told you the key to life, would you use it – or would you continually challenge it? Would you think that you HAD to find the answers yourself or that the key had no value if you didn’t fight the dragon to get it?

When I was at Puzzling World, I was in a bit of a funk, feeling a bit lonely, a bit depressed with the rainy weather. Yet, I kept moving forward and decided to give the maze a try. After all, I had never really tried out this key that I had heard about solving the maze.

I went into the maze and put my hand on the wall to my right. And headed off. Every time there was a decision to make, I turned to the right. I kept my hand firmly on the right wall and kept turning right. While others were fighting with their loved ones about which choice to make, I just kept on turning right. Sometimes, I went in and out of dead-ends, always with my hand on the right wall.

And I NEVER waivered in my choices. I BELIEVED that this key that I had simply been given was indeed the way out. Yes, I was testing it in a way, but I still believed in my heart that it would get me out of the maze.

AND IT DID!! The key worked! I broke the record for time it takes to get all the way through and back to the starting point! This was a pretty big moment for someone who used to get claustrophobic in a maze.

I did not fight any dragons for this solution. I simply believed and followed the steps. I was able to enjoy life as it flowed around me. I saw the way others dealt with confusion or frustration. I saw how some simply approached it with joy and how others tried to control it with hard work. I saw how people of all ages were embarrassed by fear and how some picked on others to avoid their own issues. All while I was flowing through the wooden structure with my hand on the right wall, no matter what.

How like the maze life really is. If I keep my right hand on my commitment to ONLY those things that I REALLLY want, rather than the “good enough’s”, or the “in the meantime’s”, then I will find that I AM manifesting the life that I REALLY want, not one that is simply good enough or that is waiting for the future that never comes.

Yes, I do need to keep those feet moving and yes, I do need to have trust, so this is by no means a passive game. Yet, it is not a heroic battle. It is not a gloom and doom struggle. It is not a “suffer to be noble scenario”. It is my life – having faith; doing the work; noticing the manifestation flow; and being grateful for the awesome gift of being on this planet.

Some Enchanted Evening

2008-05-08T07:18:00.001-07:00

When I was a child, my mother took me to see the movie, South Pacific. As it turned out this was one of those innocent mistakes that parents make. Ever since that day, I have believed that life should be like that movie – that on “some enchanted evening”, “a perfect stranger” (man, in this case) would spot me “across a crowded room” and “somehow he would know” how equally perfect that I am. Without ever having spoken to me, without having gotten close enough for his near-sighted eyes to focus on my face or without hearing one of my sarcastic jokes about the way the world works.

I have just discovered that I seem to have the same model operating on a professional basis as well. I am very capable of dreaming up amazing solutions to problems and scintillating insights into business analysis, yet most bosses aren’t capable of reading my mind. So how on earth is anyone supposed to “get me” if I don’t put myself out there?

In New Zealand, I noticed that people did not walk down the street with “cock-eyed optimist” grins plastered on their faces day and night. Yet, when engaged, they turned out to be the most genuinely friendly and helpful people that I have ever encountered. Even I, the magical sorcerer that I am, didn’t get their vibe until I engaged with them. You know, with words and facial expressions and such.

Yesterday, I was at HEB Grocery, still looking for the perfect deck furniture, when I encountered a VERY good-looking guy (with a little grey hair, no less) in the parking lot. We did notice each other, but neither of us made any move to cross the 3 or 4 parking spaces between us and initiate a conversation. I have no idea what he was thinking, but I had a bit of South Pacific fantasy going that believed that he should be able to “sense” how awesome I am and run right over. Right! I don’t honestly know WHAT I could have said to start a conversation without looking like an idiot, but perhaps not looking like an idiot is not the goal.

If I want people to notice and value my greatness, then I will need to get into action by putting myself out there. If I want people to hear me, I will need to speak up. This blog is a good first step, but I’m afraid that I will need to stretch a great deal more than that. For a shy person that has always tended to stay under the radar, this is going to be an interesting ride. Thank goodness for the dragon (Chinese horoscope)part of my personality that is comfortable on center stage.

Containers Part II

2008-05-08T06:49:00.000-07:00

How do we stretch our container then? Apparently, this is a somewhat circular process, or at least my version of it is, and I’m not sure the order really matters.

We need to get present to what we really want. This is an active process that requires energy, muscles and concentration just like running or playing basketball. Yet, it is also an intuitive one that requires us to be incredibly honest with ourselves about what it is that we really desire. It also requires practice to relax into the knowing that the information is there and will become apparent as soon as the fog of ego gibberish disappears. So it is a matter of acceptance and focus all at the same time.

When things that we desire are not present in our current lives, then in some way we have a belief or a thought that is holding us where we are. Often these thoughts are very subtle and very deep. Affirmations are useful in both recognizing what these thoughts are and in turning them around. You will know when the container has stretched because you can literally FEEL it. I don’t mean emotionally, I mean physically, just like when you do a stretch properly at yoga, there is a letting go and suddenly it is so much easier.

Until recently, I have not thought that affirmations were particularly useful. I couldn’t get out of my head with them. And maybe they are useless if you stay in your head or if they are not precisely addressing the thought that has YOU blocked. But the following affirmations have suddenly stretched my container:

I KNOW that I am worthy of ____________.

I KNOW that I am capable of ____________.

I KNOW that I AM ________________________.

Somehow the knowing was the piece that I needed and the piece that also gave me clarity abut the fill in the blanks part.

The other thing about affirmations is that you have to say them A LOT!! About 1000 times should do it. A day! This takes about 30 minutes, but has a profound effect. Didn’t I say it was like playing basketball? If we really want to expand our container so that we can create the lives that we say we want, then we can take a bit of action – ON THE INSIDE – to manifest it.

Stretching Containers

2008-05-07T09:05:00.001-07:00

Some days I find such amazing excitement in discovery. Even though I enjoy seeing beautiful new things and places in the physical world, I think that my greatest juice comes from seeing and feeling things in the inner world. Even those pleasures “caused” by coming across an awesome face of a glacier or the startling reality of jumping from a plane are really inner pleasures, inner discoveries. These are the feelings of being alive and being directly connected to the life force itself.

Every morning I start my journey with drawing from a variety of cards of inspiration. I now have about 5 different decks that are very different in nature, but put together they usually give me incredible guidance and reminders of HOW I would like to move through my day.

My excitement drives me crazy at times, because I do not always have the container to hold it. It bubbles over and makes me feel a bit hyper. So forgive me as I fumble to find the words that can describe what I am feeling.

In the world of “your very thoughts create your reality”, people (including me) often wonder, why isn’t my request being manifested? What am I not in sync with? How can I DO this differently? Others often tell me that it is a timing issue and that I need to wait and trust. That is possibly true, but there is something more than saying the verb, to trust that actually has to happen, I believe.

The concept of container is huge, yet not many talk about its importance to receiving the life that we desire. Obviously, we already have a container large enough to hold the life that we have already created. But in order to create MORE for ourselves and for others, we will have to expand in order to hold the MORE. For instance, if we wanted more children or a bigger living room set, we would need a bigger house with more bedrooms and a larger living room. If we desire greater fame for ourselves than we presently have, then we need to expand our horizons in some way to accomplish this goal. In the same way, if we want greater and deeper connections with the divine or with other people in our relationships, we need to stretch our container, our understanding (our soul?) in order to make room for the new stuff to fit in.

How then do we stretch our container?

Frequencies Are Powerful Things

2008-05-05T11:20:00.001-07:00

Frequencies are powerful things. I call them “things” because I do not know enough to have a better category for them.

Our bodies work on frequencies. Our thoughts pick up frequencies and create frequencies. We perceive objects because we resonate with them. We fall in love because we are on the same wavelength. Frequencies impact our lives so intensely on a constant basis and no one but the science types talk about them. Perhaps it is time to open the conversation.

Yesterday, I had the somewhat disturbing thought that I wasn’t in the right place – that I wanted to be in a circle of people doing grand things. Today, I am overwhelmed with the opportunities to do just that. Now how did that happen? I love magic, but I believe that intention and coincidence are more than magic. And I don’t think that it is woo woo either. I think it is frequencies – or at least that is the scientific explanation for something that seems a little magical.

I am fascinated with the study of consciousness, with conscious capitalism, with quantum mechanics, with the possibility of prosperity for all, with the difference between health and non-health, with wisdom in the workplace and with human connections. Every one of these seems possible when we get present to the energy field around us and tap into something more global that hooks it all together.

Noble Acts of Kindness

2008-05-05T11:19:00.000-07:00

My mad, scientist friend in New Zealand believes that it is possible for every human to have his basic needs for food, health care, shelter and water met – within our lifetime.

My workshop leader friend here in the US believes that prosperity is possible for all in our lifetime and he is devoting his life to that purpose.

Doctors with partners in Health have already changed the face of medicine in Haiti where they are offering health care for free. They believe that health is a human right, not a complex business proposition. They have exported their model to several African countries, Russia and even parts of the US. And it IS working today.

So many people are making the world a better place. And yet so many of us sit on our butts worrying about petty squabbles at work or like me, wonder where to find the right cushions for my outdoor furniture.

How do we get to that tipping point where people are more inclined to do good deeds than to focus on their own shallow and usually materialistic tendancies? I see programs on TV of people doing amazing things, like the guy who started Big Sunday in LA. This is an operation that brings over 50,000 volunteers together one Sunday a year to work for the community in a variety of ways. Or the legal students that have freed so many men from unjust imprisonment in Texas.

There are so many people doing wondrous acts of kindness. I often ask myself, what AM I doing with my life? How can I touch people in ways that their lives are changed for the better? Where whole societies are changed for the better?

These are the people that I want to hang out with. The people doing such remarkable things for others that they don’t need to think about what they are doing on Saturday night for entertainment. How do I find them?

Am I still too scared to go to Africa? To get involved in one of the scary projects? I am touched by health care issues, yet I am not a doctor and don’t really want to be one. I do not want to miss my children or to have my life at risk from angry mobs of soldiers or to die of thirst. Does one have to risk their own life in order to make these kinds of changes? Is there a way to be a support person for people doing this level of work?

All I have at the moment is questions. Yet, I want to open the door for answers to show up.

Reminders

2008-05-04T08:43:00.000-07:00

Ode magazine had a recent editorial about firing your gurus and life coaches. The author had a good point about sometimes you simply have to “do it yourself”. I have long thought that gurus were a flawed idea, but since I would like to get back into life coaching, that part of the suggestion has been like a splinter in my brain for the past few days.

For most of last week, the loss (through choice, not death) of my best friend was an emotional challenge. I know that it was a necessary move, yet it still feels like a loss and I still tend to dwell on it. Byron Katie’s book about Loving What Is was a great help and I also came across a book called Wealth 101:Getting What You Want and Enjoying What You’ve Got, by Peter McWilliams. Essentially both books are about finding ways to be grateful and happy with what exists at the moment, while still acknowledging the desire for the future. Both are reminders to me that while pain may be unavoidable, suffering is optional.

So, although I have taken my life by the horns and “done it myself”, I also had some help, for which I am VERY grateful. As I contemplate writing a book, I keep asking, “Does the world need yet another self-help book? What do I have to offer that isn’t already available?”

Apparently, as this week has shown me, we humans need reminders. We need to hear things multiple times in many different ways before we “get it”. Apparently, we also need reminders after we have initially “gotten it” before it becomes a way of life. And then we need intermittent reminders over time to remind us of what we have forgotten. And eventually we need reminders so that we can look back on our life and see all that we have accomplished and be grateful.

So for all I know, my book of wisdom according to Nogie might be the reminder that someone needs on just that perfect day when they are ready to hear the message. Or it might be the piece that jumpstarts a “knowing” long forgotten. Or possibly it could remind a person of how much they have learned in their life of “Doing it their own way” and start a cascade of gratitude and enjoyment.

It is freeing somehow to think that your work does not need to create anything earth shatteringly new, but that it can simply be a reminder of what people already know. Creating value in any measure is a wonderful and worthwhile thing, in and of itself.

Being Seriously Satisfied

2008-05-03T12:16:00.000-07:00

A friend recently advised me that in order to be more successful with men, I probably needed to be less intense and serious. Possibly true, but then one does need to define successful.

Several times this week, I have gone out with a gaggle of girlfriends set on talking about men as if they were a commodity. I want to honor their right to talk about whatever pleases them, yet it was a clear misfit for me at the time. Not that I haven’t been guilty of talking about men hours on end myself, but this week, it felt shallow and counter-productive.

This week I have also shared walks with groups of friends, meals with groups of friends and movies with groups of friends. Although, I am very grateful to have the option of friends to go DO these things WITH, I also found myself happy to go on my way alone. I also noticed that the conversations that I managed to have with one friend at a time were more satisfying.

After spending so much time alone, mostly in deep thought, I am noticing that conversation with groups of people feels like it is too fast and too superficial. I am sure that there is a joy to such lightness for most, but for some reason, it is leaving me feeling lacking.

I know that not everyone enjoys deep conversation. And I understand that life is a rich tapestry with colors of intensity mixed with textures of practicality. Yet, at the moment I want to acknowledge that I AM a serious person. Even when I am being playful, I am intensely playful. This is who I am and at the moment, it feels like exactly the right place to be.

Of course, I long for that feeling of looking into someone’s eyes and feeling the buzz of connection. It is an electricity that rocks my world. I look forward to meeting the person that falls in love with me, for he must be quite an interesting character. In the meantime, I think I prefer to go the slower route into my own presence, breathing in rhythm with myself, sharing insights into the mysteries of the universe internally, and enjoying the simple pleasures of a soft breeze on my face.

Lightness Even in the Tough Times

2008-05-01T12:01:00.000-07:00

It’s easy to be happy and upbeat with everything is going your way. The trick is finding a way to be glowing when things don’t seem so great. I have a good friend that just returned from a long sojourn in Europe and within a week she had found a new job doing exactly what she wanted, a new boyfriend with great potential for long-term results and the possibility of a new car within her price range. I must admit to being slightly envious.

At that same time, I had decided to say good-bye to my long-time best friend, had no idea what I would do for my next career and had a dead battery in my car. I was dealing with loss and disorientation. Several years ago, this would have been good for at least a few months of sadness colored by bleak days of longing and “what if’s”.

This time, something is different and I managed to actually be happy for my lucky friend and to find peace for myself.

For those who haven’t read Byron Katie’s, “Loving What Is,” I recommend it highly. She teaches how to tell the difference between suffering caused by our thoughts about something vs the something itself. Suffering is indeed optional. This was extraordinarily helpful while I was in the suffering mode.

From there I could begin to remember all of the things that ARE going well for me and started down a road of positive thoughts rather than depressing ones. I have two of the most wonderful kids in the whole world. An ex-boyfriend once reminded me that no matter what happens in my love-life, I have these amazing people in my life to “have and to hold”, to cherish with my whole heart, and lavish my love upon with no limitations.

My refrigerator is packed with delicious healthy (and not so healthy) food from the farmer’s market. It gives me much pleasure every time I open the door. I went out to dinner with two dear neighbors last night. I am healthy as a horse and free of a headache.

I also have a million ideas for my next career, how the world could be a better place, my garden, and lots of other yummy things. This is all really good stuff. Today, I was shopping at one of the big box stores and had a nice interaction with the sales person. After my purchase, I borrowed the cart to wheel all of my plants to the car. Since I was suddenly in one of those shiny moments, I decided to return the cart so that the sales person wouldn’t have to do it. As I stuck it under the table, I noticed a damp, dirty piece of money. It turned out to be a beautiful, ten dollar bill.

Suddenly I had even more to be happy about. Now I had the money channel turned on too and life was lookin’ up. I just need to remember that it eventually always does. It might be useful to remember also that my attitude can help it along in the right direction even faster.

New Perspectives

2008-04-30T08:20:00.000-07:00

Treasure maps can be mirrors for our growth just like relationships.. My treasure map lives inside a beautiful box with louvered doors, that hangs on the wall in my office. This way I can set my intention in motion and then let it go, rather than fixating on the plan every day.

This morning I was finally ready to make some moves as to my future – or at least make moves on the exploration of that inquiry – and opened the doors to see what could be taken off the board. I knew that a major picture of New Zealand would be there, but I was a bit surprised by all of the internal hoopla that it brought up.

Let me explain that this is a lovely photo of a place called Frenchman’s Cove, in the Abel Tasman Park in New Zealand. This photo and I have been companions for about 20 years now and it has given me comfort and inspiration through some pretty bleak and stressful times. It is clearly the reason that I set off for New Zealand in the first place and I saved my venture there for almost the very end, like dessert.

I finally visited this spot while on the North Island. Indeed, I went to a great deal of trouble to visit it, because it is privately owned land and not easy to reach. I organized a kayak venture to see it by sea and had planned to hike above it as well on the well-known tramp that passes a few kilometers from it. As it turned out, I was too exhausted to make the hike portion of the venture, although my tramping buddy did take a photo for me from the trail.

Needless to say, it looks different when you get there. And how like life is that, I wonder? I knew before I went that it would in all liklihood feel different after I had a new perspective of the place. I have seen it from down low, from high tide with some messy waves, and without the protection of distance. I have been in the middle of it and all around it.

It is still a beautiful spot, but when I look at the photo now, I see the changes that time has wrought. I know its other moods as well. Do I still love it? Absolutely! Yet when I look at the photo, I try to see the friend that I came to know so intimately and in some ways they are simply two different entities, like photos of children who grow up. I see that the physical structure is the same, yet it has come through different filters now and simply IS different, maybe more wrinkled and less perfect – but more complete and more real.

So my intention was manifested – and it looks slightly different than imagined. But like so many things in life, it turned out better or more than I ever could have dreamed up by myself. Now, as I add new intentions to my treasure map, hopefully I can leave enough space for the Universe to “go one better” again.

Newly Found Discovery

2008-04-27T11:59:00.000-07:00

The universe seems to be quite a connected system after all. I had been suffering a a bit of jet lag, a bit of seasonal confusion and a bit of general disappointment that the trip didn’t create an obvious next step/answer to all of my prayers sort of feeling. Yet, yesterday did provide a calming visit to the farmers market and several great connections with friends about the nature of trust and reality of something more than just us humans.

Last night, I got home and had one of those super-energized. idea generating frenzies that creates pages of what’s next possibilities. Often these sessions leave me so excited that I cannot sleep, but last night it only brought peace.

Some amazing teacher that I cannot now recall, taught me the importance of desire. It is truly the thing that drives us forward so that we might create and be human beings. I have achieved so many things that I desire, yet I still have a strong desire for a mate. Sometimes I feel guilty that I have this desire and that I should be able to be full and complete on my own. Yet, whatever feelings I might have, I still have the desire.

The trick with desires is to recognize them, acknowledge the intention to manifest them, and then LET THEM GO. This seems to be the piece that I struggle with still. SO last night, when I was brainstorming about this mate, I watched as my pen wrote, “Trust that he will show up when you are ready. So get ready, rather than spending time searching, or being sad and disappointed. Spend your time getting ready!”

Apparently, I hit upon a pretty big missing piece for myself, because I had a wonderful sense of peace and I slept like a baby finally. Today, I had my thoughts reinforced in a strong way.

So how do I get ready then? I had an idea about one thing(creating money) that I might not be quite ready for this guy that I have “requested”, so I wanted a bit of clarity on that idea before I started moving on it into action. Every morning, I draw from my assorted decks of woo-woo cards for help and today I brought forth this idea to see what the cards might add.

I drew a card from five very different decks and here is a summary of what they had to say:

1. TRUST the universe and yourself.

2. The universe has gifts for you. Release any fears of receiving and open your arms to receive these gifts. (Feminine receiving energy)

3. Feel cradled in the arms of protection and nurture yourself with the gentle waves and flow of nature. (Feminine energy)

4. Do not “face” reality unless it is a reality that you want to create. Any reality only exists because someone focused it into being.

5. Let go of the past. STOP SEARCHING FOR THE FUTURE. People only search for something when it is lost. Why search for a future that is lost? Discover a future that is newly found.

That sounds like a damn good idea to me!

Still Calling Home

2008-04-24T21:03:00.000-07:00

Home. . . I am home, yet I feel like I do not know what home is anymore. I sense that this thing that I have been looking for my whole life, may not really exist at all. Or if it does, it is only when I am not looking for it.

As I drove around the North Island, I felt like I had to see it all quickly before it was time to go to the South Island. Once on the South Island, I felt like I was looking for something and that I needed to hurry through the big tourist “must see” spots so that I could have plenty of time for the Tasman area. Yet when I reached the Tasman, I only felt a sense of attachment long enough to recharge. It was clearly not home.

I headed to the Marlborough Sound, for that was a “must see”, yet found that it was so not home that I had an urge to run, not walk, on to the next location. That was clearly not a fit for home either.

And finally when I arrived back in the Bay of Islands area, I felt like it was more comfy and yummy, but I was ready to fly back “home” to Texas. Yet, when I arrived here, I loved seeing my house, but I certainly did not feel like I had arrived anywhere. Some of that is culture shock and some of that is awareness.

Seeing friends and family must be what home is, I thought. I called all of those nearest and dearest and enjoyed seeing them immensely. Still something was not at peace. Something was calling me.

So I gave in to temptation and called my old boyfriend, my heart. And finally - it really FELT like home. Until he told me about a new girl he is seeing. And then “home” disappeared all over again.

So what is this thing that I am longing for? I do not really believe that there is a place that will make me feel like I have landed. For I have been to many wonderful places that I love dearly, yet still I search. It has never been a career or sense of accomplishment that makes me feel complete. Is it a person, for I must admit that I have come closest to the concept of being home when I am in a long term relationship?

That is a scary thought, for it depends on another human being. And fate. It also goes against all of the wise sayings about being complete within oneself, or that the longing for the beloved is a longing for the spiritual reconnection with God. Perhaps both are true – for it does seem that we manifest God or the Divine with all of our experiences on earth. This seems to be how we are supposed to live on this planet, in these earthly bodies.

I know that I felt very happy with myself in New Zealand, yet I also admit that I was looking for something, for a feeling. Knowing that I would return to Texas, my family, my friends, and my cozy cottage was a comforting thought. Now that I have all of those things, I can see more clearly, that SOMETHING inside is still aching, still searching.

My feelings guide my direction. If it feels like crap, I look for something that feels more balanced or healthy. It it feels awe-inspiring, I move toward that action. I am at a bit of a loss at the moment, however, for I do not want to go searching for a relationship – I’ve seen little success of that working in my life so far. I do not want to live as if I am incomplete either. And I sure as heck do not want to start a relationship based on some fool need.

Yet, I do have a strong desire for this sense of home. I sense it’s missingness. I have so much – so much!! And I am incredibly grateful. Yet, it is the desire for the thing that is missing that moves us on in life, always creating something new, something to be courageous about, something to be awestruck about.

And perhaps it is learning to be comfortable with the reality that something missing will always drive us on that is my lesson for myself today. At least, it is something that I can focus on at the moment.

last Night in New Zealand - for now

2008-04-22T21:50:00.001-07:00

Last night in New Zealand – for THIS trip. I shed most of my tears last night and tonight seems to be focused on taking care of last minute details, assuming that I can avoid frying the electrical equipment in the meantime.

I have loved my little treasure accommodations. The view is forever etched in my memory. My back is grateful for the wonderful bed and my tummy is full. As is my intake of anything else remotely beautiful.

The drive today to the far end of the island was lovely, except for the grumpy old dyke that is. Why is that so many dykes are so angry with the world? She was in charge of the battery, which was strange enough on its own. Add to it her love of this dark, rank and broken down underground battlement, and it was downright weird. I was exceedingly glad to get out into the sunlight after our sojourn underground there.

I found where the rich people live though – over on the Firth of Thames. Crappy road but exquisite views. I’m glad I managed to find something so scenic for my last day.

Lunch got my tummy upset, but then I ran into the young English girl from Mana and had a nice chat about our journeys. It amazes me how small this country really is.

Finally, I managed a walk down the hill to Pam Beach. It should be called dog beach, since this is where all of the local dogs go to frolic. They were entertaining, although I was somewhat limited in my morth since I had to climb back UP that hill.

I’m not sure how to keep my fine new muscles from atrophying when I get back to flat Texas, but I’ll have to give it a go somehow. Two months ago, I’m sure that I would not have been able to even survive that hill today. I only stopped twice for breath, too.

Finally, my friend from Napier called to wish me happy travels. It reminded me that I will leave a part of me here and that I will take a part of New Zealand back to the States. I have met so many incredible people who have contributed to my experience here and yet, this trip has been all mine. No boyfriends to fall in love with, no work to flavor the trip and no friends or family to share reminences with. It was all mine – for better or worse. And truthfully, I think that I made pretty good company, all in all. I hope that I can take the “me” home that I came to know and love here in New Zealand. And hopefully, I will also be able to bring back a bit of the peace and laid back attitudes that New Zealand shared with me.

All in all it has been a great trip and I’m proud and grateful that I was able to do it. I’m grateful to all of the people in Texas that took care of details for me and to my parents for creating the opportunity for me to think outside of the box and to believe that anything is possible.

Island Living

2008-04-22T21:48:00.000-07:00

This is a morning ritual that I could get used to – sitting on the deck , overlooking the sea and writing about life’s contrasts. Yesterday, I was close to despair; today, I am near heaven.

Yesterday, I awoke early (actually, I’m not sure that I slept at all, because the bed was like mashed potatoes). A storm had rolled ino Hamner Springs with wind and rain, and what sounded suspiciously like hail. I peaked out the window, and IT WAS SNOW!! Mixed with the rain and sleet were big fat snow flakes. Perfect traveling weather.

Fortunately, the room had an outside door that opened directly into the driveway, so I was able to load the car fairly easily. Keeping warm was a different story, and I had packed most of my clothes for the airplane ride to Auckland. After searching for the one petrol station in the whole town, I finally headed up to the pass with a prayer that the roads were clear.

It is amazing how often our prayers are actually answered in the way that we hope. The snow was sticking at about 400 feet higher than the road and it was quite beautiful. And I was happy to make the pass with no trouble, expecting to head down into Christchurch with warmer climes. No such luck. Christchurch was clear, but windy and freakin cold!

The rental car place was busy, but when I told them about the broken hub cap that I had smashed parking on a curved street weeks ago, they said, “No problem.” I had debated for weeks about whether to just stick it back on and hope it stayed or to tell them about it and hope for the kiwi attitude. After all, these cars aren’t exactly Hertz.

Christchurch airport was pretty intense for a girl who had been living on a small scale for 2 months, but security didn’t let me down. I sailed through with peanut butter, honey, chocolate sauce and water! I’m not sure what they were looking for in the x-ray but it sure wasn’t liquids.

Met some rude Americans who were intent on letting me know how much money they had and then met a lovely Kiwi lady who was bring a HUGE bundle of lilies to her sister in Auckland. I sat on the plane next to an old Maori lady who spent the whole time with her prayer beads. She had a little glass statue of some saint in the pocket in front of her and I do not believe that she even knew how to speak English.

The snow made the flight beautiful since all of the mountains in the South were dusted with white. We flew right over some of my favorite areas and I could identify lots of things that I knew.

Then it was on to a new rental car – which stinks and sqeaks, by the way. I dutifully got directions to the ferry terminal and got lost immediately. It took me two hours to arrive, after many stops for further clarification. First such stop was a Japanese dude who was serving sushi. Sushi was ok, the directions were not so good. Then a bit further along, I stopped at the first store that looked safe to go in. This was a Pakistani man who didn’t speak very good English. Finally, I stopped in a video store and the lady was at least New Zealander and she was very helpful.

The ferry ride was a piece of cake and I arrived to follow more directions that surprisingly went very well. I was so happy to be back on Island Time that I’m not sure being lost would have been a bad thing.

I arrived late afternoon to this stunning little cottage with a view of the sea. It looks like something out of Coastal Living magazine and had a toilet actually attached to the living space!! En suite for me!! But the best part is that the bed is better than my bed at home. I almost cried at how wonderful it felt to climb into a firm bed with yummy clean sheets – and of course, DOWN pillows!!

I am not looking forward to the hub bub of the return flight (or returning the rental car), but I have chosen well for my last few nights in this beautiful country. I am happy that I landed at a place where I can actually feel like I am in the the New Zealand that I’ve come to love – rather than counting the hours in the middle of a city. I am always so pleased and grateful when I make the right choice – and the universe delivers in the way that I had hoped.

Transitional Attitude

2008-04-18T00:39:00.000-07:00

As it turned out, I had a lovely last day on the South Island. The sun was out and even though it was quite chilly, I decided that I couldn't leave this island without one last tramp. There is a perfectly conical shape hill at the end of town that is planted with "exotic" species of trees. I guess this makes me and Deming, Washington exotic then because all of the trees were commonly found trees of the Pacific Northwest.

It was a fairly steep walk, but I seemed to do ok with it. The path was wide and I never felt like I was falling off. Actually, between the wide path and the trees form "home", I felt quite grounded for the first time in days. I spent hours trying to remember how you determine one species from another based on cones and needles.

The view was panoramic, but it pretty much looked like another logging site to me. I took lots of pictures just to remind myself that even in New Zealand, there are crappy looking landscapes.

After returning to "town", which is loosely "designed" to look like an Alpine village from Colorado, I did a bit of a stroll around the shops. Fortunately, I only found one little book of wonderful sayings that I couldn't live without. Hopefully, it doesn't weight too much.

Lunch was another fine $20 salad, but I am at the point of getting rid of all my food and I didn't want to have left overs that would just get thrown away. I also was too lazy to drive the whopping 3 minutes back to my hostel and make lunch.

This afternoon I played miniature golf, because I was too cheap to play the real thing (and it was too windy as well). It was a very unimaginative 18 holes squeezed between two other tacky tourist traps, but I entertained myself quite well.

This evening I went for a nice green curry take away. For some reason the food is cheaper as a take-away. It was hot-hot-hot and I got to eat with the other backpackers watching a REALLY old Grey's Anatomy.

It's funny how the modern world is creeping in the closer I get to home. I think that this is a good thing, otherwise the contrast would just be too great.

Tomorrow, I am looking forward to finally seeing New Zealand from the air. I take the Air New Zealand flight from Christchurch to Auckland - IN THE DAY LIGHT!! This is actually cheaper than any of the tourist airplane rides that I could have taken over the glacier or the canyons or the ocean coast.

I'm told that you can bring food along, so I will carry my fancy chocolate/macadamian nut spread and homemade bread along with me and pray that I don't have to pay huge premiums for overweight baggage. The allowable weights are slightly less than for international flights and my bags are overflowing. I will still need to loose a few items before Tuesday's flight. I am rapidly using all of my lotions and shampoos and soaps in order to get lighter in time. It is actually fun to be so abundant with these products that I had been hoarding for months.

Life is such a study in "whatever you decide it to be." First, I was being conservative, now I have to get rid of the stuff as fast as possible. For months, everything has been nature focused and laid back and suddenly I am looking at "city clothes" again. I haven't seen a TV for over 2 months and suddenly one of my favorite shows is playing during dinner. I even saw a British version of American Idol (which they CALL American Idol - but it has British singers and 2 British judges with Simon).

The South Island has been good to me and I'm happy to be returning north again. I plan on enjoying my last few days there even if my time is likely to be a bit of a transitional attitude adjustment.

The Adventure of Returning Home

2008-04-17T15:04:00.000-07:00

Only a few more days in this green land and I believe that I am more than ready to head home. I am ready for summer, although autumn is beautiful here when the sun shines. But it's cold and I'm ready to be warm now.

Yet the more I realize that I want things a certain way, the more the challenges seem to appear. It is not sunny or warm. I am not enthralled with the past few places that I have visited and little things are not working as well as before I was so demanding.

Perhaps the best thing from the trip is learning the ability to relax and let things move at their own pace and direction. Of course, I have made decisions and chosen directions, but I have rarely forced anything and for the most part, I have been patient with the unfolding. (It was clearly a waste of time to do otherwise.)

So, now, at the end, maybe in preparation for life in the US, I seem to be on a track of impatience and disappointment. Nothing is quite right. Things are not flowing as easily. People misunderstand me. There is nothing stunning to look at, no great adventures to pursue.

This might be the most challenging adventure of all.

New Zealand Vibe

2008-04-15T13:18:00.000-07:00

I am beginning to feel like wilted lettuce. The rain has not really stopped in several days and I am more than ready to see that brilliant New Zealand sun. I realize that my first few days in the country only made the first views of New Zealand more beautiful and that possibly the same will be true of my last views, but there are only 6 days left and I would prefer them to be beautiful and SUNNY!!

I suppose that this is only a little thing to be complaining about when it comes right down to it. I have seen so many wonderful things and stored so many great memories that I will probably be full for quite some time, just integrating it all. I keep collecting little bits of things to stir my memory when I get home so that I can hold on to the New Zealand part of me.

And I believe that there is a New Zealand part of me now. I wish I could find the words, even just for myself, because sometimes words can impart so much. Yet, it is a feeling, a sensation, a way of breathing that describes the New Zealand part of me. It is perhaps an emotion and it might take other experiences, outside of new Zealand to clarify and solidify this emotion as identifiable for me.

I do know that I am grateful for the experience. I do feel different. And I do feel that there is a vibe inside of me now that I can tap into as I move through life.

I also feel damp and ready to get dry.

Imagination

2008-04-14T14:58:00.000-07:00

The complexity of life astonishes me at times. Nature creates these delicate and detailed relationships that work so beautifully that it takes my breath away at times. Humans (including me) are of course a part of that nature and I am equally amazed at the complexity within myself that I can acknowledge.

My fear of tsunamis has returned on this trip. I am not sure if it had actually improved or if I was simply not putting myself into situations where it could be an issue. After all, Austin, Texas is not likely to experience too many tsunamis. On this trip, however, I have been on or around the ocean almost continuously.

Often, I have been staying in rickety building right on the water, not much above high water mark. I have been swimming in the ocean and I have been on many boats along the way.

Fear is a dodgy thing. Last night we had buckets of rain coming down, here in my little hide away on the Sound. The balcony to my room is literally right above the ocean. I could jump off into the sea, if I wanted to bash my head on the rocks. Normally, this water is like glass, but last night it was making a few sloshing noises – which got my fear-o-meter in gear.

As fear is a nasty cousin, imagination can be even worse. Of course, I managed to envision what would happen here in the Sound with a tidal wave from an earthquake. Since it is so narrow, the Sound does have much higher tide changes than towns on more open bays. So, naturally, it would have a similar effect in a tsunami, right?

I have no idea what the scientific answer is or even the probabilities of a tsunami in this part of New Zealand, but I know that I had to put my fear to rest one way or another or I would be quaking in my bed all night long.

So the same location that made me feel like I was in the most relaxed place in the world could also make me feel in incredible danger. The trick was coming to a place where I had some control over which of those imaginations that I would focus on. I think that this ability to recognize and then shift our imagination may play a huge role in how we experience our lives.

I am grateful for the practice AND I am also grateful that morning is here and I can see how silly my particular fears were last night. As I look at the landform in daylight, it is clear that it would take a very large tsunami to actually reach me on the protected back side of the cove.

Pottery Barn Meets Camping Out

2008-04-13T22:19:00.002-07:00

Hopewell sits on the edge of a small bay inside the Marlbourough Sound on the top of the South Island of New Zealand. To reach it, I had to drive several hours on a “normal” New Zealand roads through heavily logged mountainsides, then down a sea sick worthy narrow little road for two hours and finally catch a tiny little water taxi for a short ride to the hostel.

My room is the first well decorated spot that I’ve landed. It looks like Pottery Barn on the inside and fishing lake rustic on the outside. But the kitchen is huge and I brought lots of food, plus they have a good library, so the fact that it is raining like Washington State doesn’t bother me in the least.

Amazingly enough, I have good internet here and can use my laptop in my room, while I huddle under the covers. Sometimes, the incongruities of life here still surprise me. The toilet and shower are only a few meters away and best of all, it is on the same level, so I don’t have to be a mountain goat to get to it. Many places that I have stayed are much more accessible, but seem decades more stuck in the past.

This lack of inspiration that seems to infuse much of the country continues to amaze me. Maybe it is more a lack of initiative. Most of them like their country just how it is and bristle at the idea of any change at all. They certainly take the idea of recycling and reusing to the max. The owner here was telling me how people were taking things off of their rubbish truck as they were hauling truckloads of dead appliances and rusty wire off to the dumpsite.

Although, I love the laid back atmosphere, I also long for seeing people excited by new projects and inspiring ideas. Most of the young people leave New Zealand, at least for awhile. I wonder if perhaps this might be part of the reason why they choose to go. It is absolutely the most beautiful places that I have ever seen on a scale that is hard to describe. Yet, the cities are very disappointing and most of the built environment is less than attractive.

I know that rural cultures are not usually known for fabulous architecture or innovative textile designs, so perhaps it is simply that country attitude of “why change if it ain’t broke?” Or perhaps it is some sort of ready acceptance of taking life just the way it is, without any desire to make it better even if it isn’t comfortable or pleasant. The thought that “it has always been done this way”,comes to mind.

I watch this naturally brilliant country complain how everyone is leaving and how no one makes enough money, and wonder how it will change in the future. Lack of money makes people do odd things and I am sad to see how much logging is going on here in the Sound. This is one of their national treasures, yet it is a mess. Most of it is private land and there are no requirements to reforest after logging.

This is the first part of the South Island that I have seen, that has not protected the natural scenery for tourism. As the sheep farm goes the way of the milkman, one can only be grateful to have visited it now while so much is still untouched.

Golfing on the Sheep farm

2008-04-13T22:19:00.001-07:00

Golfing has always been a favorite thing of mine to do. This morning, I managed to take me game to a whole new level – into the dung!

I don’t mean that I played poorly, I mean that the golf course was shared by sheep and cows. In New Zealand, there are numerous rural golf “clubs” that are open to anyone who wants to pay the meager green’s fee of $10. It is all on the honor system and you are requested to close the gates behind you.

The fairways and tee boxes are dotted with piles of manure, but the greens are protected with circles of electric fencing that you have to climb over to take your shot. It makes concentration somewhat more challenging.

Yet, the most challenging is still the topography. I forgot my water and thought I might die before reaching the 5^th hole. I couldn’t see the flag until I had actually crested the “hill” because it was so steep. The measurements are in meters, of course, so that confused me, but it still took me 6 good fairway shots to make the green. Sometimes, this happens in America, but only because I hit the shots wild to the right or left. These were well hit, but it was a long bloody way to the whole! The view at the top was nice once I got my heart beat back to normal.

There was one other Kiwi tourist playing a few holes ahead of me, so for the most part, I had the course to myself and decided that I might as well play two balls. It was quite a luxury to take my time and enjoy the view. No one cared HOW long it took me to finish (or what my score was for that matter). It was really lovely and I have to admit to aiming at the sheep a few times.

PuPu Springs

2008-04-11T17:44:00.000-07:00

I visited the PuPu springs today. The guide explained that even though the springs don’t have the cleanest sounding name, that they are the cleanest springs in the southern hemisphere. New Zealand has a way with words, so I only take that with a grain of salt, so to speak.

It was a magical place, no matter what its name and world ranking. I doubt that my photos will do justice to the incredible colors of this deep spring or the amazing volumes of water rushing out of there into the river, but it was more impressive than Barton Springs on both counts.

The ducks and geese were playing on the lake and Buford, the brown trout came to visit at the observation deck. They managed to create an observation spot where you could see the main spring, under the water as it gushed forth.

I could have stayed for hours until the guide starting talking to me. He was an American ex-pat and had few polite things to say about America. He also invited me to the hippie/Buddhist shindig that is happening this weekend. It is going to be peace and love all day long with music and chanting and arts and crafts, etc. I felt like I was back in the 60’s . But I did get a blessing before I left him, so that was good. I will not be attending the love-in.

In the afternoon I visited some magic rocks (no, this has nothing to do with the psychedelic love -in). New Zealand has the most stunning array of bizarre geology of any place that I can imagine. These were giant boulders half-way up a hill, but not really attached to anything. The Department of Conservation had constructed a great viewpoint on the top where you could look out over green farmland to the sea. Again I had the sensation of Disneyland, but this stuff is for real.

Finally, I stopped in at the studio of an artist in the area. This was the nicest home that I have seen in New Zealand. Although, it wasn’t exactly a natural wonder, it was wonderful to be in a space that humans had created AND that was beautiful. There are so few here. His art is quite remarkable and I was able to afford the postcards.

Inside Out Revisisted

2008-04-11T17:42:00.000-07:00

Before I left home several months ago, I wanted to see what life was like from upside down, inside out. On reflection, I believe that I accomplished that.

I had a dream recently in which I was driving on the left side of the road. It must be like that for languages when you start to think in the new language, rather than having to translate in your head first. I do say lots of things naturally now, like torch or “a wee bit” of something or petrol. I will miss the lilting sing song of the New Zealander accent.

The upside down part is easy. The sun is in the wrong place and I can’t seem to read the maps as easily as usual. The sensation of autumn being upon me again so quickly is bizarre and hearing about summer in December makes me bonkers.

And I managed to get inside out at least once. When I first set myself up for this experience, I don’t think I knew what I even meant by that term. But, now I have felt that feeling of being utterly cleaned out, so that not a care in the world is even on your horizon.

I have often asked myself, “What was your favorite thing on the trip?” Perhaps, it is simply that feeling of taking the dirty bag, filled with crumbs and rubbish, and dumping it upside down, so that all of the bits of pieces fall to the ground. That sense of having a fresh new bag to start filling with stuff once again is contentment.

When we were at the Wharakiti Beach two days ago and the German guy said that he was too full to take in the beauty of the place, I knew exactly what he meant. Sometimes we get too full of even the wonderful stuff and need to find a way to “empty the bag” so that we can take it all in again.

When I returned from the Abel Tasman Tramp, completed naked (that means absolutely exhausted), and found myself staying in the cottage by the sea, I believe that I reached the point of emptying my bag and being clean from the inside out. It was exquisite.

Now I can sense that my bag is already getting new bits of rubbish in it as I go about organizing the last of my logistics, which are somewhat complicated and have limited flexibility due to airplane tickets and such. But, I know that it will all work out ok if I simply take it step by step, and breath by breath. Even if I am upside down, I can eventually reach inside out again.